Recently I was sorting through some recipes and I found a copy of the 1960s column Dear Sonny, Dear Cher from 16 Magazine on the back of one of my photocopied recipes for calabacitas tacos. Totally weird but it has inspired me to resurrect “Dear Cher Scholar,” which was a snarky column I used to write for the Cher Zines. (Examples: Zine 1, Zine 2, I don’t have Zine 3 uploaded yet.)

In that Zine feature I had friends and family ask me questions. I would also solicit questions from the Cher news boards of the time. Then, I would answer the questions in the sassy character of Cher Scholar (yes, it was a character back then).

Sonny & Cher really did brand themselves to this 16 Magazine advice column back in the mid-1960s. A good sample can be found on this very informative Sonny & Cher site along with the covers they came with. You can totally tell these responses were not written by Sonny and Cher. Possibly a magazine staff writer composed them or someone in the entourage of Sonny & Cher.

Re-reading them now I can see they are not-terrible responses at all, (a bit canned, tbh). But Cher Scholar feels they are all in need of an update or possibly a happy dose of hindsight. Over time, I’ll try to address as many as I can find, printing both responses, Sonny or Cher’s official response and Cher Scholars revamp.

DO YOU HAVE some personal questions that are crying for an answer? Do you need heartfelt advice from someone who knows and cares? Do you feel that there is no one that you can turn to or trust? If you answer yes to all of these questions, please don’t despair—because Sonny and I are really here and we really are going to help you. Each month, we carefully read your mail and pick out a cross-section of the most important questions that you ask. If your answer is not here in this issue, keep looking—because sooner or later we will get around to you and your problem.

Dear Cher, I have a problem. I am very tall and my boy friend is quite short. When we go to dance together, I think we look funny. My boy friend doesn’t seem to mind at all, but it embarrasses me to the point of tears. Should I find a taller boy friend or give up dancing? Long Tall Sally, Oceanside, Calif.

Cher’s Alleged Response:

Long Tall Sally, It seems to me that your boy friend has done a marvelous job of conquering his self-consciousness about being short. Why not take your cue from him and follow his example. At dances, the couples on the floor pay much more attention to each other than to other couples. I’m sure you are spending the most time worrying about the way you look. Why not forget about how you look and enjoy these dances!

Cher Scholar’s Response:

First of all, that totally doesn’t sound like Cher. So this is a ghost writing fail. But I don’t think it’s a terrible response. I just think it can be worded much more strongly, as such:

LTS, Your boy friend is right. You are wrong. You are acting like a shallow idiot if you believe taller people are better dance partners for you. And if you don’t understand attributes that are really important in intimate relationships between two people (and dance partners), then maybe it is time for Short Guy to leave you on this dance floor and proceed to find another Tall Babe! (Please show him this letter.) Look, you’re talking to Sonny & Cher here. Ixnay on the ortshay ingthay. 1970s-variety-show jokes aside, these things never bothered them or Cher even when she dated Tom Cruise. 

Dear Cher, I think you have the most beautiful hair in the world. I ‘d give anything if my hair looked as lovely as yours. I’ve got a real “fright wig.” My hair is dry and bushy, and it looks terrible after every shampoo. Can you give me any suggestions on how I can make it more manageable? Miserable, Atlanta, Ga.

Cher’s Response:

Dear Miserable, I’ve found that a good brushing (with your head down) with a natural bristle (not nylon) every morning and night helps to solve dry hair problems. Try an olive oil or a baby oil massage once a week and then wrap your hair in a towel dipped in very hot water and wrung out. Wash out the oil with a mild shampoo and use a crème rinse afterwards. Try spraying your hair lightly with a lanolin hair spray. Stay away from pronged hair clips and never go swimming without wearing a tight bathing cap. I think it would really serve you well to order 16’s Beauty and Popularity Book. It covers most hair problems in depth. Thank you for the lovely compliment on my hair. Good luck.

Cher Scholar’s Response:

A book plug? Shameless! But I went looking for it anyway on eBay and all I found was The Beauty and the Beast Coloring Book. Surely, I thought, the “popularity guide” is a passé relic of the 1960s. But alas, they’re still publishing them. Criminal.

M, First of all, move. Like to a state without 100% humidity. Second, do not go looking for the Beauty and Popularity Book. That seems like the beginning in decades of self-help heartbreak. There is some latter-day thinking on dry hair (vitamins A and C, biotin, protein supplements, omega-3s and antioxidants, hats, stop shampooing your hair every day, avoid heat styling, colder showers, argan oil and yes, they’re still recommending  swimming caps and olive oil). But let’s face it, you will never have Cher-hair because only Cher has Cher-hair. And she will keep changing her hairstyle anyway. In the 1970s, she will even wear frizzy wigs. When the 1980s arrive, she will have big curly wigs and frizzy hair will be fashionable all the sudden. And you won’t have to get a  perm like the rest of us did. Wait it out, frizzy. You’re welcome.

 

Dear Sonny, Could you help me? I like a girl very much, but she tells everyone she likes me as just a “close friend” and no more. I don’t want to be “just a friend.! Can you tell me what to do to make her like me more than a friend?  Mike, Centerreach, N.Y.

Sonny’s Response:

Dear Mike, Stick to being “just a friend” for the time being and don’t complain about it. Think how much tougher it would be to win this girl if she didn’t like you at all. Just because your present relationship isn’t all you want it to be doesn’t mean that it won’t change in time. Friendship is just a step away from becoming “more than friends.” Don’t lose your footing—you’ve got one foot in the door.

Cher Scholar’s Response:

Again, that isn’t terrible advice. I would just rephrase it for 2024.

Dear Hotpants, Love is a mystery to everybody. If any single love-guru in this love-forsaken universe actually knew the trick to this particular problem, that person would be a zillionaire by now and we’d all still be in a pickle because everyone would be trying it out on everyone else. It would still be a mess because it’s always going to be a mess. But let me say this, a wise man once said that basically the likely wouldn’t even exist without the unlikely happening from time to time. So nothing is ever 100% hopeless. Decide what kind of friend you can be to this person you care about. Friends often turn into lovers as all of us morph over the years into different versions of ourselves. You might be concerned this sounds like a waste of time because you absolutely cannot settle for less than becoming “the one.” But that alone tells you how deep your feelings run for this person if the idea of being their best friend is not an option you’d even want to pursue. It’s also worth remembering here that Cher was infatuated with Sonny in the beginning when he was adamantly only wanting to be friends. So if you want to take a page from the Cher-book, move in with this person on an offer to be chaste and clean their house for them but then be terrible at both of those things and finally maybe they will sleep with you. Here is a study in Cher kissing and pre-kissing people she loves and people she’s only friends with. To help you tell the difference.

 

Dear Sonny, I’m a high school girl who never goes on dates. I’ve been told that I have a good personality, but I’m not very attractive. My problem is that my “good personality” isn’t even real. I act funny and make people laugh, but I don’t really feel like it. It’s all an act. I ‘m afraid to let anyone see the real me, because I don’t feel very interesting at all. Can you tell me a different way to act that might make a boy ask me out on a date once in a while.” Lonely, Minneapolis, Minn. (CS: There is no standardization on these state abbreviations! Is it me?)

Sonny’s Response:

Dear Lonely, Try to forget about acting and settle on being real. Even if you did find a way to act that made the boys interested in you – you would always know that it wasn’t real. No matter how many people you fooled, you’d never fool yourself. It’s a strange thing, but almost everyone can recognize and appreciate the truth when they see it. Be true to yourself—and you’ll never be false to others. You might just find that the real you is really happy—cos happiness and truth walk hand-in-hand.

Cher Scholar’s Response:

Since when do truth and happiness walk hand in hand, Sonny? Let me take this.

Dear Typical High School Person, You are not alone. This is mostly the teen human condition. If there is one thing I’ve noticed looking back at people I went to high school with, the popular people did not seem to evolve beyond their high school selves. I don’t know why this is, but the people who had the hardest time in high school, (assuming they survived it; we can’t forget that), turned out to be the most fascinating people as adults. I personally believe this is because the skills that help you fit in when you’re young and don’t know any better suddenly seem milk-toast to the adult world. In other words, what makes you different and excluded in high school will be a valuable skill in adult-landia. Things change. The whole mise-en-scène changes. You get by in high school the best you can.  If your gift is funny, don’t discount-rate that gift. You can’t buy funny like you can a makeover. Trust me on this one. High school is four long, seemingly endless years. The rest of your life is so long you won’t even believe it. Cher never felt attractive. Sonny told her she wasn’t attractive. She has always struggled to see herself as beautiful. Isn’t that unbelievable? So, you might not be the best judge of your own beauty at the end of the day. I see it all the time. Not to make this into the ugly-duckling story though because that somehow is too hyper-focused on looks. Adulthood will show you that happiness is attractive. Living outwardly is attractive. Living generously is attractive. This is loveliness you can achieve. Plus, like I told Hotpants up there, life is mysterious. Magic and miracles. Stay tuned and show up.

 

Read more Dear Sonny & Cher from 16 Magazine