So we had a bit of an unplanned break in finishing these. I was hoping this would be a fun summertime project but we may not even finish them this year. We have two left after this one but a lot going on including a shit storm of a year, (I keep thinking things will get better every New Years Eve and somehow…)
But we continue on. Maybe Sonny & Cher will have some advice on the existential crisis. Fingers crossed.
I have to say, in the interim of August I finished Susan Dey’s guide to womanly perfection and it was much better than I was initially making it out to be. Only two things haunt the book in hindsight: the chapter on boys seems all the more tragic when you figure in Susan Dey’s ill-fated crush on David Cassidy and how that all turned out. Secondly, in the dieting chapter Dey admits (in almost a side-comment) that people are telling her she’s not eating enough. Alarm bells went off there, (as a drunk knows a fellow drunk), and so I researched her life and, yes, she did suffer from anorexia during the time of the book’s writing. Which is terrible and my sympathies to Susan Day for going through that.
But that does put all the dieting advice under suspicion. But the good thing about the book was that it wasn’t didactic, after you got past the boys chapter anyway, and there was some good, simple advice in there: haircuts for face shapes, how to make conversation at parties. My book had “Amy H—” handwritten in pencil in the inside cover and I sincerely hope she wasn’t ruined by it. God speed, Amy H—-. We are sisters in the journey.
DO YOU HAVE some personal questions that are crying for an answer? Do you need heartfelt advice from someone who knows and cares? Do you feel that there is no one that you can turn to or trust? If you answer yes to all of these questions, please don’t despair—because Sonny and I are really here and we really are going to help you. Each month we carefully read your mail and pick out a cross-section of the most important question that you ask. If your answer is not here in this issue, keep looking—because sooner or later we will get around to you and your problem.
NOSEY
Dear Cher, Help! I’ve got a serious problem. I have a big nose! I’m dead self-conscious about it. My figure is fine—I get whistles when I walk down the street. It’s just this nose of mine that makes me blue. How can I cure these self-conscious feelings? Mary, Wickliffe, Ohio
Cher’s Response:
Dear Mary, [Eeee! It’s like this letter is to to me!}, It seems to me that your problem isn’t quite as serious as you think! Having a big nose hasn’t stopped quite a few stars from making a go of it! Barbra Streisand is a prime example—and so is Sonny! Sonny found that when he felt self-conscious about his nose, people seemed to be more aware of it. The minute he accepted it as part of himself, no one ever made a bad remark again! Accept your nose as an unchangeable part of you—because it is—and forget about it! I think you’ll find that other people will too.
Cher Scholar’s Response:
That is a good answer but nobody wants to be a butterface. I don’t think even Sonny and Cher followed their own advice here.
To be honest, I have met very few people who like their faces. Even people with beautiful faces! Perception is an absurd thing. And a nose, let’s be honest, is a weird thing, just a bizarre-looking thing on any face no matter how culturally acceptable that particular nose may be. Can we all agree on that?
The nose would become a prominent part of Sonny & Cher schnoz schtick. In the 1960s, it was Sonny who was perceived as the big-nosed one. By the time The Sonny & Cher Comedy Hour went on the air, the routine had Sonny making fun of Cher’s nose.
This was all perceived as fun and games until Cher saw her face on a big screen and agreed that there was too much nose there. She then fixed her nose and her teeth, which did change the look of her face. Both faces are fine. Cher’s old nose was fine.
And although Sonny never did come out as having a nose job, many fans believe he did by the end of the 1960s, somewhere around the time he stared wearing a mustache.
At the end of the day, if both Sonny and Cher got nose jobs, we have to take this advice here with a grain of salt. Another case of someone standing their ground before capitulating.
Check out those noses!
SELFISH
Dear Cher, I am 13 years old and I like this boy—natch! The problem is that my nextdoor neighbor likes him too! When he liked her, she dropped him fast—then I began to like him. Now I like him very much, but she likes him again. What should I do—back out or fight? Confused, New York City
Cher’s Response:
Dear Confused, Fight, of course. Your next door neighbor sounds like she is never satisfied with the things she has, but can’t stand to have anyone else have them. These people are very easy to beat. You can’t lose, because if you back out she will drop him again. Have you considered talking it over with the boy? How does he feel about it? If he is still “carrying a torch” for your neighbor, your fight will be a little tougher. Just keep in mind that she doesn’t want him—she just doesn’t want you to have him!
Cher Scholar’s Response:
First of all, I can’t believe they were saying “natch” way back when. Secondly, we’re assuming a lot about this neighbor.
I think the “fight” advice is problematic, to be honest. We’ll get to that later. But talking it over with the boy sounds like a sound solution. When two or more people like one person, it’s really up to that one person at that point. Think of it the other way around, two boys after a girl. They think they’re in competition with each other, (I learned this on a Facebook reel recently), but they’re not. And fighting each other over a girl is…well, kind of sexist because it assumes the girl will chose the winner of a duel instead of having feelings and opinions of her own about the two boys. And if that’s true for some of us, it’s true for all of us. So skip the duel. The boy has to choose. Well, I guess he doesn’t have to but if he goes that way, you have your answer: he doesn’t care for either of you all that much and is making the most of the situation.
Cher did hang on despite the fact that there were others interested in Sonny and it resulted in a lot of pain for her. But also a megastar career. That’s not likely (or even advisable) for the rest of us. Who knows what kind of competition she was facing but it was ultimately Sonny’s decision. And he made one…kind of.
GOODY-GOODY
Dear Cher, My problem is that I don’t have any friends. I know quite a lot of people, but nobody talks to me at school. I even walk home alone. Someone told me it’s because I’m too good. I get all A’s in school and everybody think I’m a “square.” What can I do? Gertrude, Newark, N.J.
Cher’s Response:
Dear Gertrude, Being intelligent is a lonely road at times. It seems that most people want you to conform to their way of thinking. Would they like you better if you failed subjects, cut classes and acted like they did? [Yes, I think that’s what she is saying.] Would you like to be just like they want you to be—and not like you are? [Are we reading the same letter?] I hope not. Getting A’s on your report card is not as easy thing to do, or you would not be called too good. You can find friends among the other “squares” in school—and when you do, you may find out who the real “squares” are.
Cher Scholar’s Response:
Well, I guess it’s time to start playing dumb. I’ve seen it work.
Just kidding. This is good advice. Find the squares pronto. They are up to some weird shit that is very interesting. I was just talking about this at dinner last night with a friend of mine. The cool kids, the popular kids: they have it too easy and therefore have no creative problems-solving skills. Not to say the square kids have that yet either but they’re trying out things. They’re forced to. And it’s a lot less boring over there, I tell you what.
Some genius (and in some cases, infamously dangerous) eccentrics (I mean nerds) in Cher’s life:
PEST
Dear Sonny, There is a girl who digs me so much—it’s icky. I just can’t stand her. My friends kid me because she is always hanging around. Please, give me some pointers on how to shake this bird! Bugged, Newport Beach, Calif.
Sonny’s Response:
Dear Bugged, Tell the truth! It sounds like she is not easily shaken. If she is not aware by now that you are not interested, it won’t do you any good to ignore her. Take the time to really talk to her, and tell her in the nicest way you know how that you are just not interested. Be honest—but be kind. Remember, if you leave her a thread of hope—she’ll hang on!
Cher Scholar’s Response:
So here is where the “fight” advice hits a wall. And these are he kinds of mixed messages the lovelorn often get: make it happen…but just short of stalking. There’s a wide and confusing berth there. Hard to dock.
Talking it out is the best advice and so Sonny is right in this case. And Sonny was fending off more women than we would assume from his caricatured-self on the variety shows. He was a famous pop and TV star. Truly, he could have probably done more fending off but ultimately this is what pushed Cher to go it alone. People also under-assume how risky that felt at the time for her and Sonny exacerbated that fear and risk by telling her America would hate her for leaving him and it would ruin both of their careers. And Cher believed everything Sonny said about that sort of thing so…
Cher had to figure out the adage you want them, you don’t need them. Which she famously did by the time she called men a luxury and not a necessity. Cher was able to run her career (or at least put together the entourage) for herself.
This is all to say Cher flew on and this bird can too.
This is Cher putting on her big-girl pants…(or something like that):
SHY-GUY?
Dear Sonny, I met a boy a few weeks ago at a dance. He acted very nice toward me and we really had a good time. Now, I see him every day in school and he doesn’t even say “hello.” He stares at me a lot, but he never talks to me. Could it be because I’m a year younger than he is. Miss Fortune, Scranton, Pa.
Sonny’s Response:
Dear Miss Fortune, I don’t think age has a thing to do with it. It sounds to me like this boy is a little shy. It’s not too hard for a shy-guy to talk to a girl at dances, [Why is that? Is there booze?] if he’s gotten over the hurdle of asking for the first dance. Once you begin to dance, it is harder not to talk. But back at the old schoolyard, it can be a lot tougher. Why sit around waiting for him to say “hello” to you? Act friendly, smile—and then say “hello” to him. He sounds like he needs a little encouragement. It talkes two to tango!
Cher Scholar’s Response:
This is assuming a lot, Sonny. People can lose interest after a dance. And staring is not evidence of feeling. Like I said weeks ago, it could mean a lot of things, like you look ridiculous and the staring party is incredulous.
Cher has often said she struggles with shyness too. But she also often laments that men are afraid to ask her out on dates due to her Cherness. I’m also sure Cher fends off unwanted offers quite a bit. Fame is a power-structure that’s often difficult to negotiate.
But for a lot of these questions you can answer “it takes two to tango.” Two people have to show up. People are closed or open in a plethora of ways. Some are closed at the onset, some are closed to anything really deep, some are closed around a few secrets.
There is no intimacy without vulnerability. There are also no first dates without vulnerability either. So talking on the “hello” duties might not be nearly enough. You can’t always get the horse to the water sometimes (let alone the drinking of it)…and you could become miserable trying.
Shy-guy has to figure it out.
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