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Category: I Am Not My Hair (Inner Beauty) (Page 1 of 6)

The Memoir TV Appearances

First of all, I’m sorry but this is going to be long. Very long. I don’t have the energy to break it up into multiple posts. Cher did quite a few appearances on television and podcasts, live interviews and Sirius Radio to promote her new memoir, part 1. Which seems to be paying off because the book has topped the New York Times Best Seller list for something like four to six weeks now. And the interviews are interesting for the different angles they explore on the book and because she, in some cases, elaborates on points from the book or they bring up new stories untold in the book.

In the print interviews, there were typical words that would recur: most commonly grit and gutsy. This reminded me of a Cher Zine article I did for Cher Zine 3 in 2011 called “Synonyms for Strong.” I had been a part of a news group years earlier and it had a questionnaire for new fans and I saved them for data review plus the same survey to some non-fans I knew.  Words used to describe Cher were the most interesting part of the study: words like tenacity (ability to survive, survivor, determined, re-invention, resilience), non-conformity was the next popular word (does what she wants, doesn’t care what people think, is not playing the game, is true to herself), third was her bold attitude (boldness, uninhibited, gutsy, courageous, has guts, has moxie, is straight-forward, spunky, tells it like it is, outspoken, speaks her mind) and finally the term self-confidence (self-esteem, tramp but she loves it). All were strong adjectives.

What I find interesting about the TV and podcast interviews is how most of the interviewers ask Cher when her next album is coming out and not when her next movie is coming out. Maybe this is because she’s been attached to so many movies that never got made, that movies for her are now so rare, or because, although she’s a much more acclaimed actress, it’s the music we want.

Here are some of the highlights of those 15 or so interview appearances (that I saw).

CBS Sunday Morning (17 November 2024)

Cher says she felt like she spent half of her adult life writing the book, that it took three drafts and only the last one was close to being right, a 4th draft would have been better. “Like me.” This is the first interview where she talks about how the first drafts were bad because they were just an encyclopedia of facts you could look up (first draft) or because she didn’t want to say much (second draft). She finally felt she had to “do it or give the money back.” She wanted to tell stories but “didn’t have a burning desire” to do the book. As with most of Cher’s projects, she admits she was lured in by the idea that “it would be fun.” But it was instead a lot of work. Some things, like her relationship with Sonny, were hard to explain. And she agonized about those things. She insists here and in other interviews that their television show was not fake affection, even as they were splitting up. But rather it was the only place Sonny and Cher could find peace,  (or Cher could, at any rate), as their relationship deteriorated due to Sonny’s lack of personal interest in the personal relationship and his increasing interest in the business of show business. The show, from Cher’s point of view, was always fun. Cher felt a sense of relief when they were working and more of a sense of equality there because acting came so much easier to her than to Sonny.

Cher then goes into the childhood chapters, how some of her childhood history she didn’t know for many years (the orphanages, the living with caregivers for extended periods, not living with her mother until she was three). Her first memory was of a Bambi highchair. She says she was more surprised by learning of her early shaking beginnings and how her friend Paulette saw the picture of Cher in the orphanage (Cher’s mom Georgia could show it to Paulette but was never able to show it to Cher). The unknown experienced caused a fear of abandonment she’s had her whole life (admitting she is the person to leave most of her relationships first) and a fear of waking up and not knowing where she is. How ironic, Cher says, that she picked a job where she wakes up in different places most of the time. Cher talks about the hard times living with her mother, how she had to be a grownup from the beginning and yet was also really childish. She calls this her “split personality,” how she can still be savvy and naive at the same time. “I was watching and understanding everything…in a childish way.” She says she saw the fights, the chaos but also the fun and the beauty. She talks about how her love of clothing developed from her mother’s friends, “balls to the walls women” who “the moment they got with a man they got stupid.” (Oy.)  She says of her step-dad, “I loved my Dad. I loved him. They were good for each other in one way and so wrong in another. So in love they were both beautiful he was jealous he was flirtatious he had a drinking problem and violent temper.” She said they had to be on guard and hyper-vigilant because “one drink would be the end of everything.”

Cher talks about meeting Sonny who was wearing a mohair suit, mustard color shirt with a white collar and his Cuban (or Beatle) boots. “He was kind of childish. He got to be real with me. I didn’t expect anything. I didn’t want money. Women his age wanted him to be grownup.” She talks about arts and crafts they would do. “Those ladies didn’t want to do that.” She says Sonny was the first person (other than her mother) who thought Cher could be a singer. She talks about being relegated to the chorus in a Junior High production of The Mikado because she was too high for male parts and too low for girl parts. Cher talks about how she was Sonny’s pal at first, just a kid and how she lied to him a few times about her age. And what she felt for him she never again felt for anyone else. “It wasn’t passionate. I just loved him. He could get away with anything. He was different than anyone else and he made me laugh. We had a dream and we started to try to find this dream. He wanted to be the producer and me to be the artist. I didn’t want that. He had tried to be an artist himself and couldn’t do it.” She admits Sonny might have only been pretending stardom was achievable for them. But that ultimately she believed in his belief. “I’m not sure he knew it. I don’t know with him. His faith made you believe. He would propel me and I would go kicking and screaming.” Harry Smith talks about how well their voices blended and Cher admits “He had the worst voice. Mine wasn’t that much better. I didn’t learn how to sing until 15 years ago.” [Many people during these interviews, including me, contend that Cher’s organic, imperfect voice was just fine, maybe even better.]

Cher talks about how Sonny had to find his way in comedy, how he never learned the script or the songs like she would. He would “crash or fall through it. Then we stared laughing and that was his character.” Smith asks her about the phenom of “The Beat Goes On.” He means “I Got You Babe.” Cher again says, “What belongs to you comes to you.” That leads to talk of the lean times and how Sonny and Cher didn’t know anything about money or taxes. And how you shouldn’t bankroll your own movies. She talks about how the comedic Sonny & Cher schtick began with her banter with the band. “They laughed. Then Sonny laughed. Then the audience laughed. Sonny knew there was something there and we started working on that. It took a long time to get that material. I could kind of be who I was onstage. Not so much off.” Then the TV shows. “Freddie Silverman believed in us….People loved it, loved us” but Cher didn’t know it. She was too busy working. She tells the Sax Fifth Avenue perfume department story where she walked through with the show costume designer, Ret Turner, and “everyone just stopped talking” and Turner said, “This is TV famous.” But then  Sonny started to change, smoking cigars, saying things like “run along.” It took Cher a long time to figure out that Sonny stopped caring about her as a wife. She admits Sonny wasn’t jealous. “He had a million women.” She says she didn’t know. “Of course not.” She tells the story about finding him with another woman when he was working on their movie Chastity. Cher reports that he wasn’t faithful to any of the women he was with. But, just as others have said throughout the years, Cher loved Sonny in spite of everything. They were oddly inseparable. “You couldn’t cut it with a chain saw, our relationship. He couldn’t understand it. I couldn’t understand it. I tried my best to explain it.”

Talk then moves to David Geffen, “the sweetest, most fun. most thoughtful boyfriend she ever had.” It was Geffen who dug out her contracts with Sonny and tried to extract her from them. Cher explains how she convinced Fred Silverman at CBS not to pick up the contract on the show in 1974, thereby ending her obligations to work for nothing. Cher then talks about how over the years she asked Sonny in a variety of ways why he cut her out of the earnings entirely. But he was never able to explain why, other than she would leave him some day. [I wonder if this was his way of saying he needed all the money he could get before his days in show business were over.] They move on to Gregg Allman. “I was madly, madly, madly in love with him. He was so sweet and so gentle and so wonderful and he was a heroin addict. I went through a lot with him but we loved each other.” Cher says that at the end Allman’s best friend told her she were the one. Cher says throughout it all, Allman kept trying. She says if you’re a musician and your boyfriend is a musician, there’s a special essence to the relationship, “a spirit beyond being in love.” Cher admitted she wanted to go back to working professionally with Sonny. But America didn’t go for it. “People didn’t like that we weren’t married and that I was with Gregg. His people hated it and my people hated it.” Cher says her early recording days were “not a good time for female artists,” that she never got to choose her songs and that being a solo artist felt not that much different from being a background singer. “Girls run along. There wasn’t much getting control . It took me a long, long time. Even now I make blunders.” “Doesn’t everybody,” Smith asks. Cher says, “I’ve been in the business too long. I shouldn’t be making any blunders. I’m so trusting. I shouldn’t be.”

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon (18 November 2024) – Interview clipskit

Fallon introduces her by saying, “there’s only one Cher. Icon, legend. (Those pants!) Cher comes out to a standing ovation and asks either innocently or cynically, “Is there a sign that says stand up?” Fallon and Cher do a funny Irish dancing skit. During the interview Fallon talks about his prior ideas for her memoir titles: I Got Scoops Babe, Over-Chering, Breath of Fresh Cher and how he was disappointed with the final result. Cher again talks about parts of her life she wanted to guard, how life is much more complicated than she could explain. Fallon calls Cher “just the coolest. You’re a trailblazer,” how after her failures she reinvented herself. She argues with this. She tells the childhood runaway train story, about how Sonny & Cher couldn’t get traction in the United States because of the way they looked. Of Dia Lupa and the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame performance, “I love her. She’s so nice. We hit it off like crazy.” It is here that I learn that Fallon’s house band, The Roots, were the band at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame  ceremony. (This makes sense of the comment I didn’t understand that night. More on that later.)

A few days later, on Thanksgiving, Cher again reappears to do a skit with Fallon where they play The Turkettes, turkeys singing Cher songs.

 

We Can Do Hard Things podcast with Glennon Doyle (19 November 2024)

I had just read Untamed. As the podcast begins, Glennon, Abby (her wife) and her sister Amanda sing “Turn Back Time” together. They say they’re breathless with excitement, called Cher “so warm and wonderful.” They’ll focus on emotionally abusive relationships, Chaz coming out and Tina Turner. “The whole thing is so beautiful” Glennon says and calls Cher a “joyful, beautiful person.” They introduce her as “Cher, the icon.” Glennon said she loved the book, it was “so personal” and tells Cher, “it’s such a gift to learn about you as a person.” Glennon talks about memoir writing and “telling the truth while honoring your people.” Of Cher’s book, she says it was “beautifully done.” They talk about how Cher lost herself a bit with Sonny. But Cher quips that she “was 16 and didn’t have much of a self to lose.” They talk about how forgiving Cher is. And how Sonny struggled early on in the TV show and basically became “ a character who didn’t study his lines.” [In some ways I think Sonny made a better rock star than Cher in that way.] Glennon points out that on the show Cher was “allowed to exist in your Cherness.” Cher said “onstage we were equals. He needed me more than I needed him. Offstage, he was not interested in me being a human at all.” Cher talks about how suicidal thoughts happen when your vision narrows and options seem fewer. The task is to figure out wider options you can’t, at the moment, see. Cher says it never before occurred to her she could leave Sonny. She met him when she was sick and he took care of her and it stayed like that, just gradually worsening into a controlling state. “I never thought to rebel.” But she even forgives herself, “I wasn’t ready until I was ready.” They talk about Chaz being born and how “it lifted me up” and the TV show “lifted me up.” “I wish it hadn’t taken so long.” They talk about advice for women in abusive situations, “If you can’t get out, tell a friend, your mom, get out anyway.”

They then discuss Cher’s current boyfriend, Alexander. Cher says, “it’s very settled. We talk about music, friends, hope, God, desires, Slash, our love of things.” Cher says she’s more willing to argue, “I’m good at conflict, I’ve had it longer and I love him. He thinks he gives more. I think I give more.” Cher talks about the things she learned from her real father “Johnnie” Sarkisian (to differentiate from her step-dad, the man she calls her real father, sister Georganne’s dad, John Southall),  They talk about the last time Cher lost her temper (first answer was with her sister and then she remembers a story about a road manager who shut the door on one of the road crew and how Cher exploded. They talk about her acting career. Cher said she loved Broadway matinees and she compares acting (getting small inside and letting things come out, an internal thing) and singing (let your voice come out). Cher demurs that she’s not an example of courage, “just moving forward, never thought of it as courage.”

The Today Show (19 November 2024)

They introduce Cher as an icon with six decades of songs, anthems all around the world, a TV legend, a movie star, a fashion luminary. Hoda Kotb notes that Cher is always 100% unapologetically herself. Cher says, “It was a journey…when I was 27, I was 16.” At 78, “what are they gonna do to me now?” Cher talks about stories of the orphanage. In different interviews and stories, it seems the political figure changes who rescues Cher back to her mother. It’s a congressman here. She talks about how Sonny dressed so well, the bracelet watch he was wearing when they met and how he had the “most beautiful hands and fingers I’d ever seen.” Cher says “fuck” on TV again during the Eastern Feed after Hoda oddly encourages her to and then frets about it after it happens. She initially says, “we’ll bleep it.” Cher says she stayed friends with Sonny “until before he married Mary I guess.” She talks about how David Geffen and John Sykes helped get her into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. She says her greatest achievement is her children and “not giving up.” She says Katharine Hepburn told her “it gets greater later.” And Cher repeats that “what belongs to you comes to you.”

The Howard Stern Show (20 November 2024)

This was a fascinating interview to me. Stern had been really harsh on Cher after her eulogy to Sonny and I never would have imagined she’d appear on his show. But to Stern’s credit, he’s never intimidated by his guests and pushes them beyond initial answers, which always makes for a more quality conversation.

The interview jumps right in asking Cher about her interactions with Joni Mitchell while Mitchell was living with David Geffen during the making of Court and Spark. And this is also the benefit of a Stern interview, he asks about the cool stuff everyone else ignores. Stern says he can relate to Cher’s mother dramas and “the suffering Olympics.” He indicates her mom might have issues and Cher answered that her mother’s childhood was so horrible. He pushes and they spar on ideas. “<om would go dumb with men,” Cher said, “go Republican if he was.”

Stern admits he both “loved and wanted to strangle Sonny” while reading the book. “Sonny Bono should be in Rock and Roll Hall of Fame” and Cher answers “oh yeah.” They talk about the therapist story (sonny getting intel on Cher through her therapist) and Stern calls it out about how often Cher forgives people (we’re seeing it happen in real time). “You’re so kind to people,” your spirit.” Cher talks about how she felt protective of Sonny during their David Letterman appearance (not distant as Sonny relayed in his book). “He was going there in an emotional way” and Cher felt protective.  Stern says he was shocked by her background. When Cher says The Wizard of Oz was a favorite movie, Stern quips, “Sonny was the wizard of Oz”  and admits he understands that Sonny “really was the color in your life.”

In deeper ways, Stern asks questions about the days with Phil Spector, The Wrecking Crew. Cher admits, “I never had a plan in life” when talking about time with the Spector crew. Sonny told her, “You’re getting a college education,” Cher calls Eartha kit “mesmerizing and wanting to be like Elvis. Her fandom of Bob Dylan, but “All I Really Want to Do” being a monotonous song. She claimed Dylan “loved our version” (over The Byrds’), said it was the best one. Sonny really loved it.” Stern reminds Cher she has sold over 140 million albums. They talk about Sonny’s initial push and how Cher was happy for him to make the decisions. Stern acknowledges that Cher “tried not to make him a villain. Geffen is the real hero of the book.” Cher talks about the musicality of her grandfather, her love of Hank Williams, her lack of musical agency in her career and how girls don’t “take that shit” anymore, how she didn’t know “I Got You Babe” would be a hit but she knew “Believe” would be. She says she wishes she had kept the cleaner shirt cardboards Sonny wrote his songs on. Who would think to but a basson and an oboe in a pop song, Cher says. “Sonny Bono should be in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame,” Stern says again. Cher says, “Well, yeah.” She recounts how Sonny would sing his songs to their arranger Harold Battiste, who was a genius. Later Cher talks about this again, how Sonny would sing his “crazy ideas” to Harold Battiste who would come up with an arrangement. Cher says “Philip did same thing with Jack Nitzsche. “sing down” ideas.

She says that The Rolling stones hated LA. All they met were “suits,” business people. They saw Jack Nitzsche and Sonny and felt they had found their people. They met Sonny & Cher at the Beverly Hilton lobby and began chatting Cher up. Sonny said “That’s my wife.” [But she wasn’t yet.] Cher tells us that Sonny had camera at the London Hilton as they were being told they had no reservation and he took a photo of their names on the register. [Can we get a book of Sonny’s photographs?]

Cher claims S&C had five songs in top 20, something only Elvis and the Beatles had done up to that time. She laments that out of 600 people, there are only 90 women in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. She says she is happy to be in there “with all these people I respect.” Stern complains that she should have had a meatier induction speaker than Zendaya (although they like her). Cher defends the Hall of Fame broadcast. “For them it was about TV.” Stern asks her who would have been meaningful to you, Paul McCartney, the Stones? Cher says “Jimi Hendrix – he would have been the one.” She then tells her Madison Square Garden story about meeting him. Stern says, “You love musicians” and then goes into interviewing Gregg Allman whom Stern calls a genius. Like Cher, Stern doesn’t imbibe and they talk about drug usage in rock music. Cher says, “They think its gonna make them happy” and that Allman was wonderful person, sweet and smart and funny. Stern is offended on behalf of Cher for Allman’s nickname for her, Chooch (which he says is slang for vagina). Cher contends Allman “meant it in a loving way. (This is weird, Cher defending Gregg Allman sexism to Howard Stern).

Stern admits the obvious, that every guy fantasied about having sex with Cher and that he personally was embarrassed to watch the Sonny & Cher shows in front of parents. This is something I really like about Howard Stern, how he says what few other men have the guts to say, he has the big balls to be honest even if its potentially embarrassing). Stern compares her solo outfits to a kind of strip show. Cher says Sonny was opposed to skimpy outfits because there were 27 million people watching. She talks about Sonny not letting her play music and after leaving him visiting Tower Records in LA where she bought a bunch of Stevie Wonder records.

“The Beat Goes On” Stern says, “that’s a really good song.” Cher says that song was unusual in that she did her vocal for it first, not like in other duets where they would be standing together. They talk about the Carol Kaye bass line, how she was the only women in The Wrecking Crew and the boys were always trying to fuck with her but she wasn’t having it.

They talk about “Gypsies Tramps and Theives.” “I don’t hate it; I have respect for people who love it. I wasn’t a decent singer until a few years ago. The song was picked out for me. I was told to do it….Nobody cared what I thought.  [I often compare this to other singer’s stories about being asked to sing songs they don’t like and how they had agency to rewrite or rearrange those songs.] They admit “Half Breed” would never be released today. Cher says she doesn’t like her voice on it. Stern says, “I think you sound fabulous” but Cher says she had a hard time sustaining a high note and her tongue would stiffen. She said that produced a “weird sound” and that when she hears the song, “I cringe.” She says the song “I Got You Babe” was manifesting what she and Sonny used to dream about. They talk about the odds of having a hit song, how more talented people do not. Often it entails a special quality. They talk about some of the varied guests on the TV shows: Muhammad Ali, Tina Turner, Kris Kristofferson, Truman Capote, Bob Hope, the Jackson 5,  how she was named one of the10 best dressed women in America. They talk about the road blocks she faced trying to get into acting, how even having the most important friends, “as high as you could go,” didn’t help.

Stern reminds Cher that “Sonny’s show tanked and Cher says, “I didn’t want him to fail. He was hysterical,” funny, that “without Sonny, there would be no Cher.” “Stern asks Cher if she was blasé about the musical career?” Cher says “I am a fabulous girlfriend” as they start talking about Gene Simmons. Stern imagines “guys expect fabulous sex” from Cher and she quickly says, “and they get it.” [Interview highlight, right there.] Of all her boyfriends, Cher says only Val Kilmer left. “I was madly in love with him.” Stern wonders if there is only room for one star? Cher says, “Not true.” They talk about the talent of Gregg Allman, how there were great times and how he was “lovely, interesting and fun and horrible…one of the best singers ever” [I can’t get there]. Stern says her male fans were “outraged he has you. No one should have you.” Cher admits, “They hated us.” Of their duet album Cher says, “he was great. I hated what I did. I was running to catch up with him. I was intimidated.” She says it was not a horrible experience.

Cher says Val Kilmer helped her prep for her movie Mask. Stern says her best ‘fuck you’ was her acting career. Cher talks about how nobody is ever allowed to cross from music to movies and about watching the Silkwood movie trailer in Westwood trailer where the audience stared laughing. Cher says it was “so real” and how her sister stared crying and Cher had to bite her cheek. Then she was nominated for an Oscar. Cher says the nominations are always a surprise. You’re just doing your work, your job. They struggle to remember who won best supporting actress that year and finally come to Linda Hunt.

Cher talks about fighting for Nicholas Cage in Moonstruck. In her mind, he was the only one who could say, “Chrissy, give me the big knife.”[Ok, I see her point now about that.] Cher says if she starts looking at other guys, the relationship is over. “Nobody calls me Cher.” Stern remarks on her nicknames for everybody: Philip, Gregory. She says her sister calls her Stupid, Gene called her Puppy, David called her Sweetheart, Alexander says Baby, Gregory Chooch. [They don’t mention Sonny but he did make shirts and hers was Prima Donna.] He reminds Cher she’s had 17 top 10 hit, #1 hits in 7 decades. She says she  stayed for whole Rock and Roll Hall of Fame program. [Even I had thought he had left.] Stern said he assumed she was the first performer so she could go home and go to bed. Cher said it was a TV show; they know who to put on.” She didn’t force them to let her go first so she could leave.

I was wondering if Stern’s prior comments about Cher would be addressed. The mea culpa came at the end. Cher says she hadn’t wanted to do the interview. She’s rather “eat glass” she thought. She wasn’t going to come on. She said she had heard he had said some mean things about her. Stern says, “I’m sorry. I’m a better man now. I was really fucked up. I’m a pain in the ass.” Then he says he voted for her to be inducted. That he was the speaker for Bon Jovi’s induction. So he apologized and said “I’m contrite.” They talk about Richie Sambora. Stern asks her about musical highlights and she talks about opening for The Beach Boys beach boys, meeting the Beatles, that Bob Dylan blew her away, and she finishes with the John Lennon Harry Nilsson story at the Playboy Mansion.

An Evening With Cher: In Conversation With Harry Smith in New York (20 November 2024)

This was the first of Cher’s traveling “talks” about her book. It was also the only one posted in full online. Cher says she never understands why people stands up when she comes on stage. She and Harry change places. “You’re beautiful” and Cher jokes that it “only took three hours.”  Cher said her Dickinsean, Steinbekian childhood will make a good movie, her skid row mom whose father took her to Hollywood to be the new Shirley Temple. She admits Michael McDonald is her woulda, coulda, shoulda. She says she is a good girlfriend, monogamous, funny sweetish, I’m really good, very supportive. Smith says, “to a fault.“ In reference to a picture of Sonny, Cher says “he hadn’t had his nose job yet.” Cher talks about early living with Sonny, how “girls kept coming over and calling all the time” but that he could be playful with Cher who was just happy to be hanging out with him.

Smith talks about how “All I Wanna Do” turned into a duet. He means “Baby Don’t Go.” Cher admits she doesn’t know her address or phone number. She says, “It’s the house with all the palm trees.” (Seriously, that’s what I used to tell my touristing friends who happened up through Malibu). She talks about how much fun Carol Burnett was, how they were both Tauruses. They kid about her name drops: Richard Avedon (I had such a huge crush on him), Jackie Kennedy. She talks about how Sonny played the roles of father, brother, husband, partner and how there were many girls, how he cheated on those girlfriends with one night stand. She talks about the big breakup that started with Sonny’s signing of a three-year contract in Las Vegas. Cher says she asked Sonny for 50% after the breakup and he refused. Cher talks about the journal she bought Sonny, [some of which are in his own memoir and some Mary Bono sold to a People Magazine months after he died.]

They then take audience questions. The first is about Cher being a gay icon. Cher says they both feel like outsiders. Someone asks if she could go back a decade, when would it be. She says the 1980s were fun but she’s having a great time now. Right after leaving Sonny was both joyous and rough. Someone asks her about her West Side Story performance. She talks about discussing it with Art Fisher who was a genius with chroma key, ahead of his time. She says she was a better singer and actress later, indicating maybe she wishes she had waited to do it later. Another question is which Bob Mackie costume is her favorite. She says the Met Gala dress. What is the biggest misconception the public has about her. She says, “I’m really shy when I’m not working” and that performing is a “way to express myself without having to be vulnerable. I know a lot of actors are shy. It’s one of the reasons we do what we do.” She says singing and dancing is like going to a party at someone else’s house, it’s more fun. Acting is like hosting the party at your own house. The next book will cover her acting career. She says she knew all the studio executives, Jack, Angela, Warren, Mitchell, but couldn’t get a job. When she moved to New York, she lived at 4th and Broadway. She says she doesn’t dress up at home. “I am so ratty at home.  I don’t want to be Cher at home.” Smith pronounces “our undying gratitude for you being you.” Cher quips, “who else would I be?” Smith assures her the book is quite amazing. “Maybe you’ll read it.” Cher jokes, “maybe when I’m old.”

Live with Kelly and Mark (22 November 2024)

It’s Cher Day! Kelly says as she remarks on the buzz and excitement not seen there since the president came. Mark says, “there is more people than I’ve ever seen here.” Cher walks to shake hands with the audience. She’s wearing an oversized gray suit with a hanging chain. Kelly says the book “moved me in ways I can’t express. It was so expansive” Kelly says she can tell Cher doesn’t enjoy talking about herself. Cher says, ”people get mad, upset, sad” and say, “what’s the matter with you, Bitch.” Cher calls bullshit on her reputation for reinvention. “It’s not giving up. I want to keep going.” Kelly jokes about wanting Sonny & Cher to be her birth parents. (were my fantasy parents, too) and about Chastity: “That bitch is living my life.” (I didn’t think that but I wanted to be older than Chaz for some reason and was crestfallen to learn I was four months younger). Kelly says the variety shows set an example for working mothers. They talk about how Sonny was very strict. It took me a long time, Cher says. “A house had to fall on my sister. I don’t have a temper. By the time I was done I was done. I still liked…loved him. We had so much fun with each other.” Kelly defends “Dark Lady.”

 

Cher in Conversation with Darlene Love in New Jersey (22 November 2024)

Cher in Conversation with Stephen Fry in London (25 November 2024) –

These were available online for only a short time while I was in Oakland and I couldn’t get a chance to watch them before they were taken down. Boo.

The Graham Norton Show (30 November 2024)

Cher says she tripped up the stairs in her pants on the way out. We start with Josh Brolin’s story about how backstage Cher confused him with his father, James Brolin who was in her movie Burlesque for a minute. Cher says “I had so much fun that day.” Brolin complains that his dad is like 130 years old. Cher says, “So am I.”  Kiera Knightly is also on and she plays “Believe” on her teeth. Cher amazes at how she hits the notes. Later Cher will tell Knightly that she looks good in her new show and Knightly says “thank you, Cher” with a thrilled look on her face. Cher is surprised Graham read the book. Cher tells women and girls not to give up. They talk about how S&C were huge music stars and Cher says the London Hilton story was not a publicity stunt to her knowledge. [Some bios have said that it was.]  Cher says her first interview were in England. She says she is bad she is with numbers. “Someone has to add up my Gin score.” [Funny that because I just had a family reunion in Joshua Tree and could also not add up my scores. I am not dyslexic. I am just numbers dumb (as my family reminded me a million times in the last few weeks but there are many different types of intelligences: visual, musical, mathematical, logical, emotional) and Mr. Cher Scholar’s cousin kept adding up my scores before I could every attempt to do it during a dice game.] Cher keeps saying “there was no dyslexia in those days” and what she means is the diagnosis.  You can tell Cher likes Josh. He tells good Goonies stories. Goonies is the only reason I like Josh Brolin (oh and Flirting with Disaster). This episode is less a four person conversation than last year’s couch with Julia Roberts and Tom Hanks. Cher tells about her first career nadir, when her “records started dive bombing” and Sonny & Cher went from performing in arenas (first she says stadiums at first….not that big) to just four people in a bar. “Now I’m an icon and legend” she jokes sardonically. They talk about how S&C had no fan boundaries in the 1960s (Sonny told stories himself about inviting fans into the house and Cher talks about this in the book), Fans would dress like Cher and storm the stage and try to rip their clothes off. There was a Cow Palace fangirl, Cher says, who tried to pull off Sonny’s moccasins, one which had his wallet in it. “They wanted a part of you.” Josh talks about reading Cher’s book (or hearing about it) and compares his childhood to hers, both the fun and craziness of living with his mom and the chaos and Cher’s mom. He talks about his memoirs. Cher interjects with “You’re more interesting than I thought.” (Cher’s has been saying a version of this a lot in this round of interviews: Howard Stern, Jimmy Kimmel). “You could be my boyfriend.” This makes the crowd laugh. Josh freezes and says “Let me take that in” and looks at Graham and says “I don’t remember your question and I don’t care.”  Josh talks about his drug history and Cher talks about her Benzedrine story. Josh says he discovered he needed the chaos the drugs created. Cher answered that “I’ve created chaos without drugs.” Josh talks about responding well to women like Cher and his step-mother Barbra Streisand, people who say it as it is.

Cher talks about her final album and praying she can still hit all the notes. Jalen Ngonda sings a song and comes over to the couch afterwards, telling each couch person in turn “nice to meet you” and then when he gets to Cher he changes it to “I love you so much.” I really liked this guy when I explored his debut album after the show. Ngonda talks about discovering old 60s and 70s music at age 11, artists like the Temptations, Motown, Sonny & Cher, The Beach Boys, The Doors and Chicago. I’m sorry but Sonny & Cher doesn’t usually make that list. He talks about Smokey Robinson. Cher says “I love Smokey” and Ngonda says “I love you! I got your 45s at home.”

Cher says something else at the end and Graham says “Cher says the darndest things!” Cher is not always amused by Graham Norton.

Cher in Conversation with Jacqueline Stewart in Los Angeles (2 December 2024)

I attended this conversation. and I’ve also been to many book readings. I can assure you, none (not even David Sedaris) have had a merch table. This was held at the Saban Theater. I bought a tote and a magnet. There was also a program with a good write up saying “Cher’s remarkable career is unique and unparalleled….with her trademark honesty and humor, Cher: The Memoir traces how this diamond in the rough succeeded with no plan and little confidence to become the trailblazing superstar the world has been unable to ignore for more than half a century.” Sara Gilbert sat a few rows in front of us with her son. There were cowboy hats on gay men. And one ironic fur vest. This was also the first book talk I’ve been to with a intro tour video. It felt out of place but my bookish friends didn’t think so. Stewart calls Cher “one of my favorite people; you look incredible.” Stewart mentions the book’s level of detail. Cher talks about the first book she ever read, still one of her favorites, The Saracen Blade, a novel by Frank Yerby that Sonny recommended to her. They talk about early music that inspired her, Hank Williams, Disney’s Cinderella song “A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes.” They talk about her mom’s premonitions, how Cher’s voice didn’t blend and she didn’t even know about blending. Cher compares her contralto range to  Bruce Springsteen and Paul McCartney. She says performing with Tina Turn was like a “death wish.” Because Stewart is a talking head on Turner Classic Movies, it wasn’t surprising when she said, “Let’s talk movies.” Cher talks about her struggles to get auditions and the irony of her packed shows at Caesars Palace, how she was not happy. “Singing on stage I loved,” she admits, but movie people wouldn’t give her the time of day.  She tried to speak to Francis Ford Coppola about a movie project twenty years ago [this is probably her dream to remake The Enchanted Cottage], and he “just answered me now.” “Altman is a bear’s ass,” Cher says and Sudie Bond was a great actor. “I did two movies with her. She thought I was gonna mug her in the elevator.” [How did Sudie Bond not know know who the most photographed woman in 1970s America was?]. Cher recalls that ” Sandy Dennis said it was the worst audition she had ever seen. Karen Black didn’t like me very much. I almost hit her once. She was such a bitch.” Feeling guilty Cher insists that she shouldn’t “take cheap shots.” She says she told Robert Altman he ruined Popeye. Cher says she was really good at matinees, which were full of little old ladies. Cher says working with Meryl Streep was one of the highlights of her life. Of Mama Mia: “I’m a hired hand in that one.” [So true.] Cher reminds us she is a fan of classic movies and would watch them with her mother. Who were the performers she looked up to? James Dean. Elvis. She often couldn’t relate to the women. Stewart says she’s been told “the dress shouldn’t wear you” and how this applies to Cher. Cher talks about having rubber bands around her shoes and her mother making her wear them to school as a task of humility. Cher talks about her “future body,” how she didn’t fit with the classic beauty ideals but how she “turned my back on it, made own clothes, wasn’t gonna get any place in the regular way, wasn’t a regular girl.” They talk about the respect Cher has now in black and brown communities and in gay culture. Cher says she still feels like an outsider. About the gay community she says, “they never left me. Even when I was down and out. There’s a special place in my heart. So many times I was over. I couldn’t get arrested.” The talk about the Greta Garbo and Marlene Dietrich boldness compared to Cher. How her dress is often a statement of “women’s empowerment.” Cher says, “I wear what I want to wear. I don’t ask permission.” She also advises, “If you have a dream, follow it. You only have this one life. My nine lives are over.” Sara Gilbert’s son keeps standing up and holding the book over his head. Very excited. They talk about areas of Los Angeles, Cher’s hometown, the prejudice she has against The Valley. “I was poor there.” They talk about her industrious mother and Cher’s yearning to go out into the world. “I wanted wheels. I am a work in progress.” They talk about Sonny. Cher says there will always be Sonny & Cher. Stewart talks about Cher’s gracious, forgiving heart. Cher says, “If you get bitter it’s not gonna hurt him.” They talk about David Geffen. If not for David Geffen I’d be sleeping on the highway. Cher talks about him having the phone receiver to his head all the time and their first date where Geffen was afraid Cher would attack him. Cher says she is the “least likely to jump on a man in the universe.” [She might have to fight me on that one; it’s just not polite.]

They then take audience questions (and here I realize we never were given any opportunity to ask questions so who’s questions are they? One question is about Cher’s famous I am a Rich Man quote. Cher says, “don’t pay attention to expectations. You have to become who you are.” Another question is about her recording history and unreleased albums. Cher says she has no idea. “I didn’t even read the book.” She talks about a new album she’s making, half with her boyfriend Alexander Edwards, half with her “Believe” producer Mark Taylor. She touts Edwards as the VP of Def Jam records and how his songs are “so fresh.” She said she had a good time with the Christmas album and that this was the first time she’s asked people to sing on an album. She says she loves Kelly Clarkson and that for the Christmas album, “I don’t wanna sing all that old shit. Can you imagine me singing “Frosty the Snowman?” [Well, yes, I could. You sang “O Holy Night” quite memorably.] Cher tells us “thank you for coming. You were a great audience.” She points out some friends she knows in the crowd and says she looks forward to seeing them backstage.

The Kelly Clarkson Show (3 December 2024)

Clarkson introduces Cher by mentioning her 17 top 10 hot 100 hits. Again Cher gets a standing ovation. Cher gives Kelly one-of-a-kind gloves made for her for Kelly’s celebrity guest wall. Kelly says the real gift was Cher coming. Kelly talks about her guest stint adding vocals to Cher’s 2023 Christmas song “DJ Play a Christmas Song.” Clarkson says, “I love that you let me sing that song with you.” Cher says she wanted it louder like as a duet. Kelly said she took the job to be like a backup singer. Cher says they will redo it. They talk about Cher’s mother living in the Bowery of every city. That her mom had talent but “I just went farther.” Again Cher mentions that there are 600 men in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame to 90 women. She said she had fun being inducted and have previously wondered, “what do I have to do?” She says she’s drinking Coke Zero. They mention her most active social media account:Instagram@cher. They talk about her being an employee of Sonny’s and when the split up contractually she couldn’t work. She tells the story of Sonny cheating on Suzie Cohelo and talking to Sonny about it in Paris with Sonny in the bathtub. Cher is asked to list her top five live events:

  • 5 is the 1967 Carol Burnett Show performance singing with Sonny where they met both Burnett and Bob Mackie.
  • 4 is the 1968 Madison Square Garden charity benefit concert for Martin Luther King where she met Jimi Hendrix
  • 3 is David Geffen’s birthday party when she sang with Bob Dylan and Don Henley.
  • 2 is her performance on The Ed Sullivan Show in 1965 with Sonny.
  • 1 is the Take Me Home Tour 1979 because it was the first musical project she did on her own.

They talk about how Las Vegas has changed and how she was ahead of her time with residencies there. She said Sonny once told her it’s as bad to be too early as is to be too late.

Cher in Conversation with Joel Selvin in San Francisco (4 December 2024)

Desert Island Discs (British) (aired 15 December 2024)

This was another great interview because it focused on music and thereby produced questions other interviewers don’t ask and answers Cher normally doesn’t give. (Question 1)  What are the misconceptions? Cher, “That what I wear is frivolous.” She’s says she’s not one thing. She’s shy when she’s not working. She says she used to not like her records. But she’s gotten used to them. “I’m all things, the persona you see and the self you don’t see.” She says she’s been on the road most of her adult life. As for the R&R HoF, she is proud to be in there with people she respects. For each question, she picks a song. For this question it’s “Whiter Shade of Pale” by Procol Harem. “I like the sound. I don’t care what they say. It’s the feeling. Sonny was too middle of the road. He would want to understand the lyrics. I just thought it was genius.” (Question 2) They talk about characteristics of mom, tough, funny, smart. “We fought lots. I never talked back. The way to get her was to stop talking. Give yes or no answers.” She talks about her birth father, Johnnie Sarkisian, who met Georgia during the war and was a good dancer. She says she has his half smile, his lack of temper. Cher says she did like him although he was a mess. “He was who he was, cute, charming, kind. For this segments, she pick “Love Me Tender” by Elvis. Elvis, Cher says, was the “beginning of me knowing what I was gonna do.” She tells the story of seeing Elvis when she was 11 years old. Her mom loved music. Her grandfather and uncle played guitar. They all sang together. She loved Elvis’ gold suit, the drama of his entrance.

(Question 3) They talk about Georgia’s six marriages and how her mom’s girlfriends were her real family. She talks about some of her step-dads: Joe Collins, John Southall, the most crucial dad figure in their lives. She talks about the poverty, eating on the same pot of beans, shoes with no soles. Cher says she’s gone barefoot her whole life, sister that she and her mom have the same voice, that her mom said things in a funny way and had a ridiculous laugh. Cher picks for this segment, “A Dream Is a Wish Your Heart Makes,” a song she first heard when she was 4 or 5 years old, before sister was born. (Question 4) Cher talks about being a terrible student, how she only learned by listening, but that she was great at sports and pretty popular. She talks about organizing the Garland and Rooney like performance of the musical Oklahoma. How did it go over? Cher says she just “let it go” and “felt like I had a bad flop.” She choose the song “Evil” by Stevie Wonder but says she could have picked 10 other songs of his. She likes the special lyrics of this one, the concept and believes Wonder is a genius like Beethoven. She says it “felt like liberation to me, the first music [post Sonny] that I got. We became friends.” (Question 5) They talk about her first impressions of Sonny, so electrifying although he was not handsome. He was “unbelievably dressed” and had beautiful fingers, was “really charming.” They talk about her time working with Phil Spector, who Cher says was “21 and a genius. She picks the Spector classic, “You’ve Lost that Lovin Feeling” by the Righteous Brothers. She remembers Brian Wilson, Sonny, Darlene at the session doing backups, Billy (Bill Medley) getting ready to do vocal. According to Cher, “We all stopped. The whole world stopped. We knew this was gonna be one of the great songs.”

(Question 6) Cher tells the “I Got You Babe” story. Cher says “I didn’t think much of this song” when Sonny sang it to her in the middle of the night. But then admits in the studio “it sounded really good.” She wonders how Sonny, “how does he even know the oboe and bassoon?” She said the song had a fresh sound. “I don’t think it’s the greatest record I’ve ever heard” but that “it captured a moment.” She says it knocked “Help” off the top of the charts. Cher says they had sold or hocked everything they had had to get to England. There she was asked for her first autograph. Cher says Sonny was a traditional Sicilian in terms of relationships, that Sonny’s “Dad that way with his mom,” the patriarch. “He didn’t want me going anywhere or to have friends…he didn’t want any escape routes.” Cher says she became used to Sonny taking care of her but then it started to bother her when Sonny lost interest in her as a person. She was also “disappointed and angry, past furious” when she discovered he had taken her half of their earnings. ” I couldn’t work without his permission. I was forced into the contract. I wasn’t home eating bon bons [when they made all that money]. I was there at Motel 6.” But she reminds us again that “without Sonny, there would be no Cher.” And then, here is the kicker. That she would pick this song for the Sonny segment. It seems to almost pain her, too, to say it out loud: “Ugh. ‘I Can’t Make You Love Me‘ by Bonnie Raitt. I love her. She’s a great musician. She’s got a great voice, plays slide like a demon. It’s one of the best love songs I’ve ever heard.” [I got a little verklempt at this part of the interview. This is probably as emotionally raw as Cher has ever been when ruminating on Sonny.]

(Question 7) They talk about Cher’s incredible iconic outfits and her fashion history, the recent exabit of some of them at London’s V&A Museum, the numerous scandals they occasioned. Was that intentional? Cher demurs, “I wasn’t sophisticated enough to know what we were doing” and Bob Mackie was so young. She says they were recycling old Carol Burnett gowns in the beginning. “She had some great gowns too. CBS was always bitching about the costs.” They discuss The Dress, a.k.a. The Naked Dress, The Met Gala dress. Cher says she had to be naked sunbathing to wear it and they had to spray water on it to attach it to her skin so that when she wore it, you couldn’t see the fabric, only the sequins and the mirage was that she was naked just wearing sequins and feathers. They talk about Cher being under the microscope for decades and a part of “unrealistic beauty standards” Cher insists she “plays by my own rules.” That there is definitely a standard to keep up which is not expected of men. But she says, “men in Hollywood are vain” but that they can be “straggly and old. Helen Mirren ages really well, Judy Dench” That leads to a discussion of the “[Franco]  Zeffirelli ladies” from the movie Tea With Mussolini, “ I just wanted to listen. Joan Plowright took her clothes off and jumped into the water.” Cher says she was “sweating vapors” during her scene with Maggie Smith. How did Maggie Smith respond? She said, “Don’t be ridiculous.” They talk about the Silkwood preview and everyone laughing, And like everything, Cher isn’t bitter about that audience response. She calls it “visceral; you can’t argue with it.” But it made her sad. She plays “Minute by Minute” by The Doobie Brothers for this segment. “I had such a crush on him [Michael McDonald]. I should have told him.”

(Question 8) They talk about Cher’s two sons, Elijah and Chaz, Elijah’s heroin addiction, Chaz’s transition. Cher says, “you do your best, be supportive, keep trying. Elijah is so bright, so smart. It hasn’t served him well. He’s above all of us.” [This does seem the crux of the problem. Intelligence doesn’t always engender wisdom.] “Greggory, he tried hard. They’ve got demons. It is what it is.” Cher talks about how freighted she was during Chaz’s transition from female to male. “Chaz is great, a great person.” She says she’s close to both of them. They talk about Cher turning 79 soon and how she’s still relevant. “I like creating stuff” but that the next album will “probably be my last album.” She says the voice runs out. There will come a time when she can’t hit the high notes. “I’ve got great songs. I really want to try my best.” They then talk of sending Cher to the deserted island. How would she manage? Cher admits she doesn’t have any practical skills. Just tenacity. She talks about her deserted island song by saying Sam Cooke and Sonny were good friends. Her song is “A Change Is Gonna Come” which is her all time favorite song. She says there are “people whose voice comes from some other place.  The book would be The Saracen Blade [mentioned above] because it “opened a whole new world, a whole new thing,” starting her on a path of reading. Her luxury item would be an eyelash curler because her mom once said every woman would need one on a deserted island.

L’INTÉGRALE with Éric Jean-Jean (French) (19 December 2024)

Mr. Cher Scholar assisted with the translation and transcription of the questions and French commentary.  One question I had for Mr. Cher Scholar was how do the French consider Cher?. Do they know her? What adjectives do they use? Mr. CS said Jean-Jean, (a name he found funny, from one John-John to another), did not spend any time explaining to the French who Cher is. It was assumed that the French know who she is and her career markers and products.

Jean-Jean states she has sold over 100 million albums, is an “actrice” who has won several Golden Globes, an Oscar and a best actress at the Cannes Film Festival. She has had an incredibly rich career, he says, “une carriere incroyablement riche, trop riche pour un volume.” too rich for one volume. “She called us from the California hotel where she is staying.” (This as Jean-Jean explains later was due to the first Los Angeles fire, the Franklin Fire that came right up to her house in December of 2024.)

They play a piece of “Strong Enough” and Jean-Jean says the book goes up to  about 1980. When are we going to read the second part? Cher says she missed three deadlines on the first book and she hasn’t started part two yet.

Jean-Jean talks about Cher seeing Ray Charles sing “Georgia” on TV. What was going on in her head at that moment? Cher says she was, “on my floor, lets crossed, peanut butter and jelly sandwich” and that it was a “watershed program every day as teenager.” She’s talking about American Bandstand.

Jean-Jean explains that her surname is Sarkisian (it was) which is Armenian. He talks about how her mother worked as a waitress but had a career as a singer and actress in a few films. Was this a complicated childhood for you, Cher? Cher answers, “You think? I love my mom. We fought like cats and dogs. She talks about her birth father’s lack of a temper, her mom’s voice, how her sister has it too, but “me a little bit more.” They play “I’m Your Yesterday,” the duet Cher once did with her mother and Cher tells the story about trying to lip sync it for television but couldn’t tell which parts were her. [I can tell. They are very similar but Cher’s voice is more smokey and syrup and her mother’s is more crystal and champagne.]

Jean-Jean says “your mother married several times. You moved a lot with each new father. How was that for you? Cher says her mom didn’t stay very long. Men come and go. She just remembers the extraordinary beautiful women. Jean_jean says her mother’s childhood was marked by poverty and violence and their heritage is Cherokee, “anglaise, irlandaise, française” and your father, Armenian. That gives you what type of character? Cher says as a child she was “not thinking life is horrible. This is your life going through it.” It was both fun and sad. Her mom’s history was very bad. “Mine was better than hers. I’m an American. That makes me a real mess.” She talks about her trip to Armenia which she says was amazing, a medical supply trip. She says she arrived after the wall fell in 1990. She talks about the picture of her sitting on the toppled statue of Lenin and how “everyone I met was so amazing, gracious. I have Armenian eyes.” She talks about her Armenia relatives, her father her Aunt Roxie.  Jean-Jean notes that Cher went back to Armenia in 1993 to discover her heritage. Jean-Jean says “Did you feel Armenian, like you found your Armenian roots or are you definitely an American? Cher says she is definitely an American woman. But she can be many things. She did feel at home there. “They were so happy to see me. ” She says America is built upon people from other countries.” In Armenia, “everybody looked like me. People don’t go to Armenia like Azerbaijan. They have gas. America never bothered to help Armenia. They have no natural gas. They don’t have anything.”

Mr. C.S. was unsure what Jean-Jean was saying at this point “except arguably the most beautiful woman in the world” or “nobody could argue that they might have the most beautiful women in the world.”

Jean-Jean asks Cher to tell us about how her mother took her to see Elvis Presley when she was 11 in Los Angeles at the Pan Pacific. They talk about Elvis in concert, her seeing him on Ed Sullivan, his gold suit, how she wanted to be like him. Jean-Jean says “you say that your mother was so beautiful that night, the most beautiful woman in the world. Cher says [and I think to differentiate her mother from herself, because she doesn’t consider herself so self-evidently beautiful without a lot of makeup] “those days women could just wear lipstick, mascara, rouge. You had to be beautiful with those three things.” This reminds me of her Desert island comment about the eyelash curler. If you’re that beautiful, that’s all you’d need.

Jean-Jean continues talking about Elvis on stage, his eyes and his hair that matched Cher and how she wanted to be like him. He asks, singer actor or star? Cher talks her grandfather, mother, uncle guitar, how they all sang together and she thought everyone did that, about seeing Dumbo and Cinderella. She says she had no Plan B. She’s not much of a planner anyway. She says due to her dyslexia, she had no academic future. She tells the story about failing the math test. They play “Walking in Memphis,” which Jean-Jean introduces as coming from the It’s a Man’s World album of 1995, originally done by Marc Cohen and the song is about Elvis and that this is the first “choque” of Cher, which neither Mr. C.S. or I knew what that meant. Choque means “shock.”

Jean-Jean notes that Cher was “16 ans” when she left home and worked as a “magasin de bonbons” (at See’s Candy Store) when she met Sonny Bono. Was it in New York or Los Angeles? And what did you feel at that moment? Cher says she met Sonny at Aldos Café, a coffeeshop that was under a radio station in Los Angeles. She says people were all calling to him when he walked in, “Sonny! Sonny! It’s Son! I thought he was special.” She said it was an experience just seeing him. “He didn’t like me at all” but they ended up as pals. Hanging out as friends. He was promotion man with singles and would meet DJs to try to get songs played. “He was very good at it. He had a good personality. Everyone liked him. He was affable.”

Jean-Jean explains that Sonny began working with Phil Spector in the famous Gold Star Studio (I’m amazed the French know all of these details of American music) and you accompanied him. And one day Phil Spector asked you to replace Darlene Love of the Ronettes (this is a mistake, Love wasn’t one of the Ronettes but that is a fine point since all the groups cross-pollinated as needed…however Love mostly sang lead vocals with the Crystals, Bob B. Soxx and the Blue Jeans, and as a solo artist under Spector’s productions.) How did this story happen? Cher said she had no place to go. Sonny offered that she could stay at his apt, “but I’m not attracted to you.” He heard her singing while making the beds one day and started promoting her to Spector after that. She says the experience, “was fabulous” because it was going from The Valley to a studio with the most famous music people. She talks about the songs she recorded there. They play Darlene Love’s song “Winter Wonderland” which Jean-Jean explains is from Spector’s Christmas album of 1963 and he calls this Cher’s debut as a singer.

Jean-Jean asks Cher to recount why she didn’t realize she had a very special voice. Cher says her voice wasn’t good for background  because she was too loud. “I didn’t blend well in the beginning,” [I would argue she still rarely doesn’t.] “I never thought of being a real singer and get paid for it.” Jean-Jean asks her to remember the first solo song she did as Bonnie Jo (Mason). How it’s about being a fan of Ringo Starr? Cher says the DJs wouldn’t play it. They thought it was a man singing a love song to another man at a time when that was illegal. They play “Ringo I love You.”

Jean-Jean wants to know if Phil Spector was already crazy when Cher worked with him in the mid-1960s. Cher says “not in the beginning. He wasn’t crazy. Very eccentric.” She says they had fun together. “His parents were first cousins. He had a great sense of humor.” Cher says everyone in the studio was in their early 20s (except Sonny who was 27). “Everyone was quite young. In my mind everyone was old because I was 16 .

Jean-Jean says Sonny & Cher first found success with “I Got You Babe.” Can you tell me how that song came about? Cher tells the IGUB story. Says their piano at that time was in the living room and they had no furniture. Jean-Jean asks “And when did you realize this was a good song?” ? And Cher says while they were in the studio doing it, everyone came in and was curious about the song and the words. My mom called everyone babe. Jean-Jean plays “I Got You Babe.”

Jean-Jean notes that “you say in the book that Sonny became difficult. You cay Sonny could be hard on you. What happened at that time? Drugs like Phil Spector? [Oh, that’s funny.] Cher doesn’t say anything about drugs [aside from prescription drugs, Sonny didn’t abuse any] but she says “Sonny would take care of everything. I didn’t know about the business world. I was happy to just sing.” Cher says they became famous and that was amazing, But then their careers “went into the toilet.” T

Jean-Jean reminds us that Cher’s book covers the decades of the 1950s, 60s and 70s primarily. You say Sonny was strange. He hired a detective to follow you when you were alone (and Mr. C.S. isn’t sure what is said here but possibly something about Sonny’s two-timing Cher. Cher says she became used to it. That at 16 she don’t think to ask why he was doing what he was doing. “He was fun. I didn’t notice. I was flattered. It’s hard to explain. When I started to grow up, had my own thoughts, he wasn’t going for that.”

Jean-Jean says Sonny also wrote several songs like “Bang Bang” on the second solo Cher album, The Sonny Side of Cher in 1966, a song that had a lot of success in France [I can’t find the French charts. I wish I could as this is my favorite question of the interview]. How did this song come about? Cher says “it was such a strange song. We loved it. It sounds like it shouldn’t be a relationship song. It was a strange take on love.”

Jean-Jean asks her about the French singer Sheila’s version (1966) and the Italian-French singer Dalida’s version (1966). And he plays the original song. [Going to search for those songs lead me down a rabbit hole that resulted in this page, a repository of “Bang Bang” covers.]

Here Jean-Jean seems to be talking about a kind of album from CBS. How did that happen? Mr. Cher Scholar and I think he’s talking about the album encapsulating the nightclub shows, Sonny & Cher Live. He says we’re going to listen to an excerpt of that “mythic show” and we think he means the CBS show. So all of that is getting confused together, more so when he plays “Can’t Take My Eyes off Of You” from their appearance on the Playboy Club show, not the Comedy Hour. This song was not on any album or segment of their CBS show. (the TV shows were not big in Europe so they’re not as familiar with it.)

Cher explains how they lost all our money, started at the bottom again in horrible nightclubs, “People didn’t like us. We dressed like our style before” in some “unpleasant places.” Eventually they changed to a tuxedo and gown but “people didn’t like our music.”

Jean-Jean astutely talks about all the artist of Lauren Canyon, the Beach Boys, Mamas and Papas, Jefferson Airplane (technically true I see from a Google search but I always associate them with the San Francisco psychedelic sound, not the Southern California sound). What was that like at the time? Cher says, “you don’t think about famous people when they’re your friends. ” You’re not in awe of them. You think,  “that’s a great song or Michelle looks great tonight. They’re just your friends.” Jean-Jean continues that she also met at the time Jimi Hendrix and Salvador Dali. Cher says this is just show biz (baby!) and you run into people.

Jean-Jean notes that in 1975 Sonny and Cher divorced. How did you feel at the end of this marriage? Cher says, “He drove me crazy but we were always friends. “My wife could say that” quips Jean-Jean. on stage, Cher says working with Sonny could be so much fun, the best time. “I don’t think two people could get along so well playing around and singing. He liked playing around and I liked playing around.”

Jean-Jean says, now they’re going to play the cut “The Beat Goes On” from the 1967 In Case You’re In Love album (I love that he notes the albums), a song written by Sonny Bono and he asks the audience, have you ever heard any song like it?  After your separation that was a new stage for you, in 1980s you stared doing films. Did you like this new career as a comedian?

Cher says she wanted to be funny and sing since was five. She starts to tell the Mick-Jagger-You-Should-Go-To England story but then corrects it to the Francis-Ford-Coppola-You-Should-Go-to-New-York story (they’re very similar stories as it turns out).

Jean-Jean recounts that Robert Altman gave her the role as a fan of James Dean in a Broadway play. Jean-Jean then recounts Cher’s “remarkable career” in films like Silkwood, Mask, Les Sorcieres D’Eastwick, how she won best actress in 1987 over Meryl Streep and Glen Close (for Moonstruck, which in France was called Éclair de Lune) and then he incorrectly says she played Morticcia in The Adams Family (this was Anjelica Houston, and is a big gaffe) and then goes on to discuss Mermaids which was strangely called in France Les 2 Sirènes. Why two? There were three women in the story.

They then play “The Shoop Shoop Song,” (pronounced choop choop) from 1990. What should we know about that song? Cher explain the movie being the story of the mother of an eccentric family. Cher says it was the story of my sister and my life and my mom, two daughters, one is kind of crazy, a mom trying to make it. She describes the scene where they are setting table with the radio on, singing and dancing. [The movie is not literally their story. It was a novel by Patty Dann and also her MFA thesis from Columbia…but in any case, I  think I now understand this movie.]

We’re coming to the end of the hour Jean-Jean says. He wants to ask about the story of “Believe,” the last song he’ll play from the 1998 album of the same name. He comments on its enormous success, historically the first to use a “novelle technologie,” the vocoder (incorrect, it was a pitch machine later named AutoTune). Can you tell us more? Cher says the verse was never very good. She says the pitch machine was able to you on the note and they played with it.  Let’s listen to Believe, Jean-Jean says. It’s the only song played in full.

Jean-Jean notes that autotune has been used heavily by rappers. My last question, “Do you believe in life after love? [Oy] Cher says, “Yes there is life after love. It’s a strange concept. There is no life without love, you couldn’t live without love. Love is always coming to you.”

Thank you so much Cher.

Jimmy Kimmel Live (7 January 2025)

This marks the 400 TV appearance I have tracked. Wow.

Cher first tells Jimmy Kimmel “you got balls, dude” for what he said about Trump in his opening monologue. I rewatched the show recently in Cleveland with my parents to see what he had said in the monologue. (My mom is a big Jimmy Kimmel fan because he keeps mentioning his staff and labor issues). The monologue seemed pretty typical of his usual monologues so maybe Cher just hadn’t heard one of them before.

Kimmel says, “I take that as a great compliment from you. You do have balls in the spiritual sense. And there’s a lot of that in here (the book).”

Kimmel notes that her book has spent six weeks on the New York Times bestseller list and that it’s very exciting to have her on the show. Kimmel says “maybe it’s annoying to you when people are interested in your life” but that he was honestly interested. For Christmas, does she cook? Cher said she had 26 people for dinner, six she didn’t know (friends of relatives and friends). She says she decorated and there were lots of cute kids there including Slash, the son of her boyfriend, Alexander. Kimmel quips, “I’m gonna try to sneak in there next year.” Cher says she is in possession of Sonny’s popular red sauce recipe that was his mother’s recipe and that she makes it occasionally for Christmas. “Olive oil, garlic and onions and I’m on my way….Son made it great and he handed it down to me.” She hasn’t taught it to others, however. “It is with me. I’m taking it to my grave….which could be any moment.”

Everyone groans and Cher says, “When you’re old, you know?”

Kimmel again notes her book was #1 for six weeks in a row [maybe just four]. “That’s a lot of weeks.” Is Cher surprised. Cher says she didn’t want to “squish it together” in only one volume. With the first one she wanted to see how it was, did she do a good job, would people be interested. She notes the book goes back from her great-grandparents up through the television years. Kimmel asks if there will be three volumes? “Will this interview be part of the next book?”

In a Man Show moment, Kimmel wants to talk about Cher’s losing virginity to guy in Toluca Lake. Do you think we could find the spot? Cher says she doesn’t even remember the guy. “I have people I’ve mentioned and I’m wondering what do they think, like one guy who was very instrumental in helping me to leave Sonny and I wonder how does he feel about it. He was a really good person.” This excites Kimmel and he want to dig him out. Cher thinks he’s in Texas. Kimmel calls out, “Open the fucking book. Guillermo. Go through it real quick. Get him on phone?” No, Cher says.

They talk about Sonny and how she felt equal only when she was working on their show. “I loved it. We loved it. We worked so well together. It kept us closer longer than I really wanted.”

Kimmel trots out the 16 Magazine Sonny & Cher advice column. He decides to ask her a question from it to see if she would respond in the same way. The question is not one of the columns I had found last year, by the way.

[Do show writers scan the internet for interview ideas? This reminds me of the time David Letterman referred to the Cher Historians among us. Are these just coincidences?]

Anyway…this elicited a very annoyed Cher stare.

Here is the question Kimmel reads:

Dear Cher, I have a problem. I hope you can help me. I’m 13 years old. I like a boy who is in my class and he seems to like me but sometimes he teases me. He hits me gently on the face and calls me names just to be fresh. I’m also four inches taller than he is and please tell me how I can get him to be my steady. Unhappy, Ridgefield, NJ

Kimmel asks Cher how she would respond to Unhappy now? Cher says, “Kick him to the curb.” The audience likes this and she smiles. Kimmel then reads the response from the 1960s Cher.

Cher says, “Oh God.”

Dear Unhappy, As I’ve said here many times before, if a boy teases you it’s a sure sign he digs you. Just be good natured about it and give him a nice friendly smile now and again. Sooner or later, he’ll come around. As for being four inches taller (Cher interjects, “nah”) well most girls are taller than boys nowadays. I’m talker than Sonny and he couldn’t care less. In fact, he digs me in boots with medium high heels. Hang in there. Keep trying and you won’t be unhappy for long.

We should hear Kimmel’s response now as opposed to the response he would have given on The Man Show.

Cher shakes her head. “Come on girls. We know that’s not true.”

In that time, they’ve found out the guitarist’s name. It’s Bill. Cher says, “I know.” She’s not willing to share his last name. “Because of him, not me.”

The next book should come out in November but Cher admits she hasn’t started the new book but that she finished this one late too but still hit the deadline. “We’ll see,” Kimmel says skeptically. “November of what year?” Cher says, “I’m a little tardy. I think I’ll be better this time.”

Kimmel says he feels like she can help her and starts to ask rapid fire, random questions. Does she drive a car? Cher says she hasn’t driven in a while but just bought a car and will drive soon. What does her drivers license say? She says it doesn’t show her last name. She had to go to court and get special dispensation to prove she is known by one name. “It’s not easy,” she says. Guillermo pipes in that he wants to do it.

Has she ever been to Costco. Cher says, “I think once.” Kimmel says, “You’d know if you had. May I please take you to Costco sometime. I’d love to take you to Costco.” Cher says a flirty little “okay.” Has she ever played a video game? Yes, she has. Which one and when? “None of your business. A month ago.” Has she ever been on jury duty? Cher says she tried as research for the movie Suspect where she played a lawyer (“doesn’t count,” Kimmel says) but the judge thought she would be too distracting. Who is the most intimidating person you’ve ever met (present company excluded? That gets the Cher stare.

Cher lists Obama, Tina Turner, Ray Charles. If you could turn back time (Cher interjects, “this is so dumb”) what year would you go back to. Cher picks 60. Was it her best year? No, 40 was her best year. She stared to work in film and started to get respect. Why not 40, then? Cher laughs and says 60 seemed like a good number. “When you’re 78, 60 sounds great.”

Kimmel shows a picture of Cher and Jimmy Carter (the one under the street sign) and says they look like they’re having an intimate conversation. Did she know him well? Cher tells the story of The Allman Brothers giving Carter some of his earliest campaign money and how she had dinner with the Carters on their first night in the White House. She starts but doesn’t finish a story about President Carter calling her once for a favor. This turns into the story about why Cher didn’t get along with Johnny Carson, who had her thrown out of a party. And then time is up and Kimmel starts to wrap up.

Cher says, “You’re a lot nicer and funnier than I thought you would be.”

The Jimmy Carter story reminds me that my friend Mikaela recently sent me an excerpt of Amy Carter talking about Cher at the White House and how this was one of her most memorable moments of that time.


If you’ve made it this far, apologies for the likely many typos. I would proof this yet another time but we have to move on to other things, my own review of the memoir, the Hall of Fame week, the new commercial and other upcoming things. So. Much. Stuff.

So Much Stuff!

It’s election day. It feels very anxious out there. I’m appreciating any distractions the day has to offer.

And in the Cher-sphere, there is so much to catch up on.

I’m very behind because I just returned from a vacation to Cleveland (a fun one this time), Tucson Arizona, Joshua Tree California and then back through Phoenix. And during that time Cher has been very, very busy.

We’ll need to review it quickly before the Cher book comes out in 14 days.

First, since it’s November we can start listening to the Christmas album again. Some people choose to wait until the day after Thanksgiving for Christmas music, but if you are in desperate need of some pre-holiday cheer, I think it’s okay to indulge early.

There is some memoir news (variations on formats to discuss). We need to recap the week of October 19 with the Victoria’s Secret runway performance, Cher’s Spotify playlist, (which is already down but I captured the songs on a list because I’m a Cher nerd and there’s a lot to discuss around that). We also have the Hall of Fame induction. I was able to attend and see the exhibit at the museum. I’ll review all that along with the Insights video and this year’s program chapter on Cher.

I also want to talk soon about the Cher singles that have appeared throughout the years in Rolling Stone Magazine‘s “best singles” lists. I had to deep dive into my Cher She-Shed to pull out one of the old 1988 lists. Cher songs on those have come and gone and we’ll consider why that is. There’s a podcast out there about “Believe’s” appearance on the latest list.

I also want to start some song spotlights beginning with “Love and Pain” from the Take Me Home album.

While I was digging through my Cher shed, I found some 1970s magazine memorabilia with Cher beauty tips. Since this was a recurring theme in the Ask Sonny & Cher in16 Magazine articles, we’ll look at those.

And then we need to talk about Teri Garr, who has just sadly passed. And the Kamala Harris endorsement video…

In the meantime, Silkwood has just become available on Streaming for the first time with Hulu. It has one of Cher’s best performances under the direction of Mike Nichols and the tutelage of Meryl Streep. If you’re feeling election stress, transfer it for an hour and a half into a movie about sinister corporate malfeasance.

Dear Sonny & Cher from 16 Magazine, Part 14

So it’s our Last Dance with Dear Sonny & Cher from 16 Magazine. How bittersweet. Fourteen installments (that we know of) and we’ve learned a lot. Or at least I have.

And I have looked high and low for a better copy of this photograph, which cuts off the first question to Cher and, like the last column, some of the words at the far right. But I think we can piece together the idea of most of it.

In this last photo, Sonny and Cher wear shinny shirts and you can see Cher’s big rings. Not a particularly flattering picture of either of them but that’s part of their casual vibe, I guess.

 

If your young life is full of problems there’s no need for you to suffer alone. In fact, there’s no need for you to suffer at all. Cher—and Sonny—want to help you—right here in the pages of 16!

Sonny and I are back again, reading your letters, answering as many as possible, and (hopefully) helping you to solve the problems you encounter in your day-to-day life. If your letter is not here, please don’t feel neglected—there just is not enough room in 16 to answer all of the many letters we get every month. Sonny and I carefully select a cross-section of the mail that represents your most important problems. If your questions aren’t answered this month. please come back next month—for sooner or later you will find your problem and our advice right here in 16 Magazine.

Dear Cher, [Question Missing]

Cher’s Response:

Dear Overweight, First, you should have a simple physical checkup by your family M.D., just to make sure that you do not have a thyroid problem (or any other condition). Your problem is probably just that you [overeat]. That normally is the problem with people who are too fat. On the righthand page you will see an ad for 16’s Popularity & Beauty Book. This booklet is a gem of information for “fatties.” I suggest that you try it. Good luck!

Cher Scholar’s Response:

Ok, I really hope this person self-referred as a “fatty” in their letter and this is why we find this word is in quotes. Secondly, a booklet? I’ve been looking for a booklet? For the love of… The rip-off smell is getting stronger in here.

Maybe this person just has thyroid problem. But this also reminds me of the very funny “glandular problem” bit on  Family Guy. There’s plenty of medical conditions to screw around with our weight: thyroid problems, menopausal problems, some antidepressants, steroids and some blood pressure and diabetes medications can cause problems.

This isn’t the only question we’ve seen on weight issues. This series often seems to be repeating itself for all the disclaimers about hand-picking unique issues from the bulk of letters coming in.

If I think back on all the come-and-gone medical solutions to weight issues over the years given to people I know, it’s disheartening: liposuction, testosterone patches, stomach bands, remember those weird fat-jiggling machines people thought were exercise? Here’s a funny piece about a woman who tested one out in 2016.

If I ever meet Neil deGrasse Tyson, I am going to ask him straight out if he thinks nutrition is still a frontier science. I’m convinced it is.

Anyway, it’s not PC to call people fatties or fatsos anymore. Just a heads up if you hadn’t heard. The old Sonny & Cher Comedy Hour had some fat-suit skits that are now equally problematic, but also still funny. (If you can find them.) People who watched the show remember one of the memes of the skits where a fat-suit character would say a metaphorical food word, like “easy as pie” or “pie in the sky” and the other characters would rub their hands together and say excitedly, “pie!”

Even pictures online are scarce. Here is a picture from the first one, a skit called Detective Fat which made fun of the show Cannon with William Conrad. They also had Jim Neighbors as a guest once and they spoofed Gunsmoke.

Dear Cher, At what age do you think a girl should start dating? Also, [do] boys really prefer girls who play hard to get more than girls who flirt with them? Why are the flirts the first to get the dates? Questions, Cedar Rapids, Iowa

Cher’s Response:

Dear Questions, I think 14 is the proper age for a girl to start double-dating. The dates should be for dances and public affairs only. My little sister “Gee,” who is 14 goes to community center parties and chaperoned dances [unreadable] dates. I think that guys like a girl who is a [unreadable] flirt and hard to get. Don’t go overboard in either direction, and remember this: it isn’t the girl who gets the first date that matters, it’s the one who gets the second, third, fourth and fifth. I hope you are that one.

Cher’s Scholar’s Response:

What about the sixth date? And the seventh? And ugh…what kind of flirt should this girl be? What is the missing word?? That’s a crucial adjective we’re missing there! And this could very well be the one single word that could have changed me from a bad flirt into a good flirt!

(And I think we can all agree that if I was a better flirt I wouldn’t have said half the things I’ve said in this whole series of Cher Scholar responses. But then I’m also not qualified to answer any of these questions.)

Anyway, Gee is Georganne, Cher’s beautiful, blonde sister who I’m sure had the pick of many offered dates. Especially being able to says she was Cher’s little sister.

More on this later but playing hard to get is basically a pre-dating game. How long does one have to keep that up? Some people play this game long into a relationship. (I’m thinking of a scene from When a Man Loves a Woman where Meg Ryan and Andy Garcia, long married, go to public places and pretend they don’t know each other to keep their relationship feeling fresh.) There’s also playful fighting that is a kind of flirting. But those games seem safer in a situation where people know each other well. Then again there are plenty of people who would be bored without the chase, people for whom the chase is the point. Then there are other people who see game-playing as an impediment to intimacy.

My theory is the more sensitive a person is, (and sensitivity is a superpower, remember), the less these games might appeal to them. It’s like how spicy foods are explained in the book How Pleasure Works by Paul Bloom. People who have more taste buds on their tongue (not hereditary just randomly), enjoy spicy foods a lot less because the taste is overwhelming on a tongue with more taste buds. (I must have zero taste buds in this scenario.) Those people, turns out, aren’t “picky,” as I was always taught to label such people. They actually have smarter tongues, if you think about it. And therefore, they would rather have calmer food.

And speaking of chaperones, Cher was out of the house at 16. Her mother was working and she was probably dating before that even, unchaperoned. Her time with Warren Beatty was famously unchaperoned. Who knows who else she ran into like that unchaperoned. Because Warren Beattys were like rats in the 1960s. If you saw one, there was probably 50 more running around within 50 yards of you. (Oh dear. I’ll probably run into trouble with that joke.)

Anyway, the tension around flirt or play-hard-to-get continues in the next question and we’ll pick it up again there.

Here’s a fake mugshot photo of the unchaperoned Cher.

Amazon.com: Cher - Teen - Mugshot - 1959 - Photo Poster: Posters & Prints

Dear Sonny, I am a guy who is [13, 15?], and there’s a girl down the street I’m crazy about. She is also in my room at school. She used to like me, but now she doesn’t. What should I do about this problem? Love-sick, Chicago, Ill.

Sonny’s Response:

Dear Love-sick, The worst thing a guy (or girl) can do when someone they like ignores them is to start chasing after that person. They become a nuisance, aside from which the chick realizes she’s got you [unreadable] and there isn’t any excitement or intrigue left. The only chance [you] have is to become a challenge to this girl. Somehow, make your[self] interesting to her and then play hard to get. Don’t be at her beck and call. Let her wonder what happened. She will either [come] around or not, and if not, she’s really not for you. The first [step] towards maturity is to learn to accept the facts of life. It’s like [unreadable] buddy—what is is. 

Cher Scholar’s Response:

I’m sorry. Did I say last week’s Sonny answer on football was the worst advice I have ever heard in my life? I was wrong. This is the worst advice I’ve ever heard in my life.

She’s got you [something]? She’s got you covered? Hornswoggled? Snickerdoodled? Boobytrapped? She’s got you where she wants you? What?

Not to mention that this advice conflicts with previous Cher advise on chasing versus fighting-for and we’re back in the perpetual mess of what to do.

Play the game, don’t play the game. It all comes down to the power-structure. Who is having to work hard at performing the appropriate level of availability around which people (and their level of social power) and at what times in history and with the understanding of which consequences? Because both parties aren’t being offered the same power. It’s not healthy if one person is doing the playing for another person and the person being played to has full control of the relationship. It’s not true intimacy because one person has to hold back or release honesty only in particularly acceptable moments. You can’t be yourself and do this.

If it’s a truly equitable game, meaning both parties trade off the power position, this would seem okay. But I don’t often see that. I see one party (and this could be the boy, the girl, anybody) at a disadvantage.

But even saying that, some people are turned on by that disadvantage and that’s what they’re working out in this lifetime. And that’s them doing them.

How do you know if you’re engaging in power plays? Look at how you treat your friends. Do you treat your lovers with the same amount of respect and give them the same amount of agency? Intimate relationships should work the same way (just with extra benefits). Surely, they shouldn’t be treated worse.

And speaking of relationships, since this is our last question about boys and dating and this has been such an overwhelmingly big theme in this column, let’s finish up on the whole topic with a very problematic Cher song lyric and, ironically, a very astute Sonny one.

This 1979 Cher song, “Boys and Girls,” is from her album Prisoner. It was written by Billy Falcon. To give this song some context, this was when Cher was on the Casablanca label and struggling to introduce some rock music into what was meant to be another disco album. This song suffers from that tug of war.

The lyrics also attempt to take us through the somewhat rough experience of flirting.

Boys, go and shine up your shoes
Girls, run and powder your nose
‘Cause tonight you’ll be shaking
From your head down to your toes

Well feeling you’re cool is as good as looking it
Thinking you’re cool is as good as knowing it
Playing it cool is as good as blowing it

[I would argue that feeling you’re cool is NOT as good as looking it.]

You know you can’t spend a dollar, if you ain’t got a dime
You can’t hook a fish if you ain’t got a line
You won’t catch the bus if you’re not there on time

[Hard to argue with any of these statements.]

So go read up your books and sharpen your hooks
Then all you need is money and a mouth full of honey
And if you play your cards right after dancing all night
You won’t have to walk home alone
I said, you won’t have to walk home alone

Boys, you can hang loose and slip up real cool
But if your lady has a love noose she might never let you go

[Love noose?! Ok, now that’s scary.]

And if you think maybe you’re too young
And you just cannot cope, just grab a razor sharp
Pair of cutting shears and cut a hole right in the rope
Snip a hole right in the rope

[Razor sharp pair of cutting shears. Very specific. Scissors are not good enough to extricate yourself from the love noose. Noted.]

Boys, go and shine up your shoes
Girls, run and powder your nose
‘Cause tonight you’ll be shaking
From your head down to your toes

Well feeling you’re cool is as good as looking it
Thinking you’re cool is as good as knowing it
Playing it cool is as good as blowing it
You know you can’t spend a dollar, if you ain’t got a dime
You can’t hook a fish if you ain’t got a line
You won’t catch the bus if you’re not there on time

Well if you wake up tomorrow morning
And you can’t remember what you did
Just ring up some of your friends
And they’ll tell you just how low you slid
Oh don’t be ashamed of anything you hear
After all you can’t be blamed when you’re drinking so much beer

[Just how much beer can we picture Cher drinking?]

Hey, don’t worry that what you did just wasn’t right
Just remember, brothers and sisters
After every day’s another night
Just remember, brothers and sisters
After every day’s another night

[Truth, Days do indeed follow nights.]

Boys, go and shine up your shoes
Girls, run and powder your nose
‘Cause tonight you’ll be shaking
From your head down to your toes
I said, boys, go and shine up your shoes
Girls, run and powder your nose
‘Cause tonight you’ll be shaking
From your head down to your toes

Boys, go and shine up your shoes
Girls, run and powder your nose
‘Cause tonight you’ll be shaking
Oh, from your head down to your toes
Boys, go and shine up your shoes
Girls, run and powder your nose
‘Cause tonight you’ll be shaking
From your head down to your little bitty toes

I really miss liner notes. Cher’s album Prisoner was the first Cher album to have them.

But this all seems very bleak to me. Even the music makes me feel tense. And there’s a lot more to shining shoes and powdering noses than is explained here. It sounds oppressive, overly complicated and, quite frankly, an emotional quagmire.

Sonny’s answers have been hot and cold in this series, giving both fair and completely sexist advice. But sometimes he could be very sensible and helpful and simple. When conditions were right, I guess. (When the light of the moon hits the keyhole on the first month of December…) Of all the issues in all these columns about love relationships, I believe the answer can be found in this little, unassuming line from my very favorite (Sonny &) Cher song, written by Sonny, “Somebody.”

“It aint power. It aint freedom.”

If you have relationship problems, the issue probably lies with one of these mindsets. And if you can figure your way out of these mindsets, you’re pretty much home free. We’re all indoctrinated to want to control (or be controlled), to escape (or be discovered), as if that’s all there is to it.

But in an ironic twist provided by Sonny himself, relationships are so much more beautifully complicated than power and freedom or “Boys and Girls.” The problem may be simple and static, but a good result is an amazingly intricate variability.

It aint power. It aint freedom.

Dear Sonny, I am 14 years old and there’s a guy I’m really gone on, but [he] doesn’t know that I like him. My mother heard me talking to [unreadable] on the phone and got mad. She says that I should not like boys [four] or five years older than I am. I stopped talking to this boy [unreadable] missed him very much. Then last week we started talking [unreadable]. Now, I think he is in love with one of my best friends. [What] should I do? Mixed-up, Santa Barbara, Calif.

Sonny’s Response:

Dear Mixed-Up, Some parents are more old-fashioned than others, and the problem can become difficult. As you know, I am older than Cher [unreadable] at first her parents did not take to me. Fortunately, I proved [unreadable] worthy of their daughter. Since this guy you dig seems [hung up on?] another girl, why don’t you just determinedly make yourself new friends. When you do, introduce them to your mom, so [that she] can see that they are nice folks—no matter how much [younger? or] how much older they are than you. Wish you happiness!

Cher Scholar’s Response:

A boy she is really “gone on.” Now that’s an interesting way to say it. She’s lost herself. She’s gone. Sonny says “parents” here but in the stories it’s only Cher’s mother who was upset about the 11-year age difference between Cher and Sonny. But now I wonder who Georgia was with at this time. Was she married at that time? I don’t think Cher’s father was involved at all, quite possibly he was in prison.

Anyway, this is good advice, Sonny. And this was a good question to end on. And a great farewell to our series with the final “Wish you happiness.”

Here is a picture of Sonny  & Cher being groovy to see us off. Sonny is wearing his El Primo shirt. Good grief! Well, as they say, fuck around and find out.

 

Read more Dear Sonny & Cher from 16 Magazine

Dear Sonny & Cher from 16 Magazine, Part 13

So as you can tell, we are up to the last two  compromised relics of Dear Sonny & Cher from 16 Magazine. Both of these final two have portions cropped out of their respective photographs. Plus the angle of the paper on this one makes it a challenge to read. I might just go blind trying to transcribe it for us here. But I’ve tried, where I can, to figure out what the missing parts say. In some cases, the text is pretty much undecipherable.

This one is also an unusual sample because it has stylized  drawings of Sonny and Cher instead of the usual photograph of them. The Cher drawing is pretty swell, but Sonny looks more like Ringo Star on the top and David Crosby on the bottom or “the lovechild between Hal Linden and Cheech Marin” (M.CS).

 

[DO YOU HAVE some personal questions that are crying for an answer? Do  you need heartfelt advice from someone who knows and cares? Do you feel that there is no one that you can turn to or trust? If you answer yes to all of these questions, please don’t despair—because Sonny] and I are really here and we really are going to help you. Each month we carefully read your mail and pick out a cross-section of the most important questions that you ask. If your answer is not here in this issue, please keep looking—because sooner or later we will get around to you and your problem.

LITTLE MISS INNOCENCE

Dear Cher, There is one girl in this town who is a natural hazard to the rest of us—especially me! If she finds out that you like a certain guy, she immediately “attaches” herself to him. Whenever that certain guy is around, she manages to get up close to him, blink her eyes at him and come on like “little Miss Innocence.” She’s really buddy-buddy with the guy I like. What can I do to get rid of her? STUCK, [unreadable city and state]

Cher’s Response:

Dear Stuck, If you’ll read your letter over carefully, you will have to admit that “it takes two to tango” [not that again]. I mean, if the guy is being “taken” by this girl’s act, then he must want to be “taken.” She probably makes him feel super-important and most guys just love that! Why not try fighting fire with fire? Nest time you see him, give him the same treatment. Don’t by gushy, but come on just enough to make him feel that you think he’s a pretty special guy. Sometimes, if you have that special spark in your eyes—it can ignite a fire in his! [In his what?]

Cher Scholar’s Response:

“Get rid of her.” Real mob-boss flirting, right there. Don’t do that. Does eye blinking work? Is that a viable strategy? I thought that was something we did just ironically? I guess post-modernism hasn’t happened yet.

I would say move away from this girl into a more control-group situation, but in high school you can’t always do this. You’re all stuck together. If these were adult office peoples, you could always plan a happy hour while she’s on vacation. Or just not tell her where the happy hour is going on. You know, mean girl stuff.

Hey maybe try this instead: pretend to like multiple guys and even some girls too and short circuit this girl. She won’t be able to keep up. Maybe it will short circuit this guy as well. I mean he has free will, doesn’t he?

And this whole stoke-his-ego scheme that “Cher” is referring to here. I am having a hard time picturing her following her own advice on this one. At least in public she does not at all seem like the type willing to pander to men. But you never know what happens behind closed doors, I always say. And Charlie Rich says that too. People are different in intimate situations, sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse, sometimes just because.

Cher was madly in love with Sonny and still he had to deal with her continual smart assery, so much that it became their live act schtick and then their television show schtick. Cher’s sass can be seen all the way back to the movie Good Times. She may be enamored with this Sonny guy but she’s not always happy about it or willing to behave. And I love her for that. Do not go gentle into the good night of love!

NERVOUS NELLIE

Dear Cher, I have a lot of friends and I like to meet new people, but whenever I go to my classrooms in school I get nervous! Whenever the teacher asks me something, I just blush and whisper in a low voice. How can I stop feeling that way? SHY IN CLASS, Denmark, Wisc.

Cher’s Response:

Dear Shy In Class, Sounds to me like you’ve got a common ailment known as “stage fright.” It’s a feeling very similar to one most entertainers have when they start out. The only way to beat it is to refuse to let it beat you. The next time your teacher calls on you, take a deep breath—look her squarely in the eye—and force yourself to project your voice so that everyone in the room can hear it. It’s tough to do, at first—but after a few times your fear will fade away completely and you might even find it fun to recite or answer a question in front of an “audience” (especially if you know the answer!) Keep at it—practice makes perfect.

Cher Scholar’s Response:

Just take a speech class. That will shock the fear right out of you. I did theater in high school and found butterflies always had a short shelf life; but nothing prepared me for the college speech class. One guy in the class did a speech on manatees and ended up fleeing the room, never to return. That first speech was a gauntlet! It’s the trenches of stage freight. After that, nothing ever seemed very scary.

But there’s an umbrella to stage fright which is any kind of performance anxiety. I was actually more afraid to answer the phone than I was to get up on a stage and read someone else’s words. Hell, if the audience didn’t like it, maybe it was the script. But answering the phone you had to think for yourself and on the fly! And until I went though a week of being a receptionists where phone answering was unavoidable, that fear never went away. (I still don’t love hearing the phone ring, to be honest.)

But the point is, nobody on the other line really cares all that much. This was the point of a really good Schitt’s Creek scene where the character David Rose was deathly afraid of failing his driving test and his sister Alexis was telling him the driving instructor really didn’t care if he passed or failed. “Nobody cares….people aren’t thinking about you the way you’re thinking about you.” David doesn’t believe her but when the driving instructor arrives, David suddenly notices that it’s just another day on the job for the driving instructor who is wrapped up in his own life struggles and, in fact, does not care whether David passes or fails. This frees up David to pass the test.

Cher infamously had crippling stage fright and sometimes describes fainting and throwing up before her first live shows. This is the whole reason Sonny & Cher even exist as a duo. Sonny knew he was not a strong singer and was only intending to promote and support Cher as a performer. But Cher literally pulled him out on stage with her and for the next ten or so years she performed mostly to him (even on television) to get through her discomfort with live audiences.

Here is what that sounded like (1964).

NOW—OR LATER?

Dear Cher, I am a 9-year old girl. I’m intelligent and fairly attractive. I’d like to order 16’s Popularity and Beauty Book. Do you think I’m too young for it? Should I wait until I’m older? MIXED-UP, Mt. View, Calif.

Cher’s Response:

Dear Mixed-Up, You’re never too young to look, feel and act your best [good grief]. The sooner you learn how, the better. I think that the 16’s Popularity and Beauty Book can answer a lot of the questions you’ll be asking as you grow up. It might possibly allow you to side-step many of the teenage problems that lie ahead. Go ahead, get one (see ad on facing page)! Give yourself a headstart! It’s much better to be too early—than too late!

Cher Scholar’s Response:

We’ll have to agree to disagree here. Yes, Mixed-Up, you are too young. Come on, you’re already mixed up! Reading this won’t allow you to “side-step” any of the girl drama ahead. You’ll just start obsessing over it sooner, when you should be doing things like dancing to records and building forts where you can get down to the business of plotting a takeover of the neighborhood with your girl and boy friends. Play some Yahtzee. Roller skate to the pool. Anything else. I’m guessing you have an older sister or you wouldn’t even know this silly book exists. That said, I keep looking for it on eBay. But don’t you fall for it!

Trust me. It’s fine to be “too late” with all this shit. You will have plenty of time to pour over this beauty and boys book like it’s a tome of scripture instructing you on how to reset your hair after having to pull it out again every goddamn, lovesick day.

The only exception to this is would be if you’re 9 years old and have your hot, sweaty hands on a Cher Makeup Center. In this case you can learn how to roll up synthetic hair and put makeup on a plastic face to your heart’s content. Look how much fun this girl is having!

SEARCHIN’

Dear Sonny, It’s hard to define my problem, but I’ll try. I’m a [member of] a close-knit, happy family. Lately, I’ve been the most [unreadable] guy in the world. I don’t care to join in games with my [unreadable] brothers and sisters, and I’m not happy doing the  [unreadable] things that used to be fun. I feel lonely—even in a crowd [unreadable] my friends at school seem different and childish [unreadable]  don’t know what’s the matter with me. I feel like I’m [searching] for something, but I don’t know what it is! When will I be [unreadable]? DISTURBED, Tucson, Ariz.

Sonny’s Response:

Dear Disturbed, You defined your problem very well! It’s a problem [unreadable]  everyone has to deal with when they make the big step [unreadable]  childhood to young manhood or womanhood. All of a [sudden] you find yourself looking at the world through different [eyes] and things just don’t look the same. The “it” you are [looking] for is you—the real you. The friends who look different [unreadable]  now just haven’t reached the stage of development [that you] have—but they will! Growing up is never an easy thing [unreadable]. (In this hectic world we live in, it’s getting more difficult [unreadable] day!) If you will try to realize that millions of teenagers [all over] the world are experiencing the same inner “growing pains” [unreadable] you are—you won’t feel so lonely. We are all (at one [time or] another) searching for something—and most of us spend [the] time looking in the wrong places. Look within—you’ll [unreadable] what you see. When you find yourself, you’ll know the [unreadable] was worthwhile. 

Cher Scholar’s Response:

I feel like some of the most pertinent parts of this response are unreadable. What will be worthwhile?? What will you see when you look within??

Cher was oddly both immature and overly mature for her age. She admits that when she moved out at 16 years of age she “couldn’t even match socks.” But as the oldest sister in a house with a working mother, Cher says she was also often called upon to do adulting before she wanted to. Someday I would like to hear sister Georganne’s stories about their growing-up years. Which reminds me that part of the big Sonny & Cher entourage we never saw at the time included family members who all spent a lot of time with Sonny & Cher, including Cher’s sister Georganne and Sonny’s first daughter Christy. They all grew up as part of the extended Sonny & Cher family and growing up too fast is often a problem in celebrity families. You could see the hardships of the child/adult transition watching both Chaz and Elijah as they both struggled with the same addictions and crises of purpose many children in Hollywood seem to go through.

I am no expert in maturity so I’m gonna have to pass on this one. I got nothin.

FOOTBALL PLAYIN’ TOMBOY?

Dear Sonny, What do boys think of girls who are “tom-boys”? I’m [unreadable] years old and I love to play football and hate to wear dresses [unreadable] play football with the boys in my home town and that [unreadable] me almost as one of them. I’d trade a new dress for a [pair of] jeans any day! Is there anything wrong with me? DRESS-HATER, Raeford, N.C.

Sonny’s Response:

Dear Dress-Hater, As long as you’re concerned about what boys think about [unreadable]—there is nothing wrong. The popularity of slacks and [unreadable] with the girls of today should show you that there are [unreadable] “dress-haters” around besides you. As to the football play[unreadable] I’m not quite sure these boys “accept you” almost as [one of] them. If I were you, I’d restrain my love for football to the [side] lines and to watching games on TV. 

Cher Scholar’s Response:

Shouldn’t that be “as long as you’re not concerned” Sonny? You’re fine if you’re not concerned?

Okay, there’s probably something very honest about what Sonny is saying here. I appreciate his honest sexism here. But aside from that, this advice is probably some of the worst advice I’ve every heard in my entire life.

I come from a sports loving family and was actually pressured to play sports but I hate running and jumping so…I literally lettered in theater which is, in it’s own way I guess, a dangerous contact sport. But I was often made to attend sporty things like swim meets and baseball games and had to be bribed each time with food because I’ll pretty much attend anything if food’s on the table somewhere in there.

But I found I was willing to get into a sport for friends and lovers. And luckily my friends are like me and also not into sports so that basically leaves boyfriends. If they are into it, I will try to get into it. This was initially a challenge with my in-laws who follow the Kansas City Chiefs. Even the girls. It’s part of their family culture and family events often revolve around the games.  The first few years were rough as I had no idea what was going on and football seemed extremely boring. I would fixate on funny player names (Dexter McCluster) and making jokes about things the announcers would say. Then Patrick Mahommes became the quarterback.  That was a game changer, as they say. He was adorable and often ran like a girl while crushing the NFL with his athletic impossibilities the whole time. It wasn’t hard to become a fan after that. Also, Tyrek Hill used to do cartwheels after touchdowns.

Aside from many, many hetero girls loving football these days, it’s also possible this young girl might be gay. There’s a very memorable clip of Chaz throwing a football with Elijah on one of the Barbara Walters interview specials from the 1980s. We all thought Chaz was a tomboy back in the day. The point is there are many tom-boys, gay girls, trans boys and girlie girls who like football. And some of them play it and even coach it. Quite a few women are making inroads into the NFL as coaches.

I recently had an argument with my Dad about trans athletes in sports and he was saying it wasn’t fair for trans girls to complete with other girls and I did agree with that but I was recommending we rethink sports entirely in a non-gendered way based on weight classes (like we do in wrestling and boxing). You know, the way we should have been doing all this time anyway. In the middle of this my Dad admitted there are women who have shown they are better kickers than men. I said, “That’s great. Can women join football teams now then?” And he said immediately, “No.”

So it’s not about skill or a strength advantage. It’s about gender discomforts in gendered spaces (a.k.a. boys clubs).

And then there’s the fact that Cher is a football fan herself going back to the 1970s. She once described a party where the Fearsome Foursome’s Deacon Jones taught her the game. Throughout the years, she has mentioned still enjoying watching football.

There are many reasons why Sonny’s gender-rigged response does not age well. Arms akimbo to this response, Sonny!

 

Read more Dear Sonny & Cher from 16 Magazine

Dear Sonny & Cher from 16 Magazine, Part 12

So we had a bit of an unplanned break in finishing these Dear Sonny & Cher from 16 Magazine. I was hoping this would be a fun summertime project but we may not even finish them this year. We have two left after this one but a lot going on including a shit storm of a year, (I keep thinking things will get better every New Years Eve and somehow…)

But we continue on. Maybe Sonny & Cher will have some advice on the existential crisis. Fingers crossed.

I have to say, in the interim of August I finished Susan Dey’s guide to womanly perfection and it was much better than I was initially making it out to be. Only two things haunt the book in hindsight: the chapter on boys seems all the more tragic when you figure in Susan Dey’s ill-fated crush on David Cassidy and how that all turned out. Secondly, in the dieting chapter Dey admits (in almost a side-comment) that people are telling her she’s not eating enough. Alarm bells went off there, (as a drunk knows a fellow drunk), and so I researched her life and, yes, she did suffer from anorexia during the time of the book’s writing. Which is terrible and my sympathies to Susan Day for going through that.

But that does put all the dieting advice under suspicion. But the good thing about the book was that it wasn’t didactic, after you got past the boys chapter anyway, and there was some good, simple advice in there: haircuts for face shapes, how to make conversation at parties. My book had “Amy H—” handwritten in pencil in the inside cover and I sincerely hope she wasn’t ruined by it. God speed, Amy H—-. We are sisters in the journey.

 

DO YOU HAVE some personal questions that are crying for an answer? Do  you need heartfelt advice from someone who knows and cares? Do you feel that there is no one that you can turn to or trust? If you answer yes to all of these questions, please don’t despair—because Sonny and I are really here and we really are going to help you. Each month we carefully read your mail and pick out a cross-section of the most important question that you ask. If your answer is not here in this issue, keep looking—because sooner or later we will get around to you and your problem.

NOSEY

Dear Cher, Help! I’ve got a serious problem. I have a big nose! I’m dead self-conscious about it. My figure is fine—I get whistles when I walk down the street. It’s just this nose of mine that makes me blue. How can I cure these self-conscious feelings? Mary, Wickliffe, Ohio

Cher’s Response:

Dear Mary, [Eeee! It’s like this letter is to to me!}, It seems to me that your problem isn’t quite as serious as you think! Having a big nose hasn’t stopped quite a few stars from making a go of it! Barbra Streisand is a prime example—and so is Sonny! Sonny found that when he felt self-conscious about his nose, people seemed to be more aware of it. The minute he accepted it as part of himself, no one ever made a bad remark again! Accept your nose as an unchangeable part of you—because it is—and forget about it! I think you’ll find that other people will too.

Cher Scholar’s Response:

That is a good answer but nobody wants to be a butterface. I don’t think even Sonny and Cher followed their own advice here.

To be honest, I have met very few people who like their faces. Even people with beautiful faces! Perception is an absurd thing. And a nose, let’s be honest, is a weird thing, just a bizarre-looking thing on any face no matter how culturally acceptable that particular nose may be. Can we all agree on that?

The nose would become a prominent part of Sonny & Cher schnoz schtick. In the 1960s, it was Sonny who was perceived as the big-nosed one. By the time The Sonny & Cher Comedy Hour went on the air, the routine had Sonny making fun of Cher’s nose.

This was all perceived as fun and games until Cher saw her face on a big screen and agreed that there was too much nose there. She then fixed her nose and her teeth, which did change the look of her face. Both faces are fine. Cher’s old nose was fine.

And although Sonny never did come out as having a nose job, many fans believe he did by the end of the 1960s, somewhere around the time he stared wearing a mustache.

At the end of the day, if both Sonny and Cher got nose jobs, we have to take this advice here with a grain of salt. Another case of someone standing their ground before capitulating.

Check out those noses!

SELFISH

Dear Cher, I am 13 years old and I like this boy—natch! The problem is that my nextdoor neighbor likes him too! When he liked her, she dropped him fast—then I began to like him. Now I like him very much, but she likes him again. What should I do—back out or fight? Confused, New York City

Cher’s Response:

Dear Confused, Fight, of course. Your next door neighbor sounds like she is never satisfied with the things she has, but can’t stand to have anyone else have them. These people are very easy to beat. You can’t lose, because if you back out she will drop him again. Have you considered talking it over with the boy?  How does he feel about it? If he is still “carrying a torch” for your neighbor, your fight will be a little tougher. Just keep in mind that she doesn’t want him—she just doesn’t want you to have him!

Cher Scholar’s Response:

First of all, I can’t believe they were saying “natch” way back when. Secondly, we’re assuming a lot about this neighbor.

I think the “fight” advice is problematic, to be honest. We’ll get to that later. But talking it over with the boy sounds like a sound solution. When two or more people like one person, it’s really up to that one person at that point. Think of it the other way around, two boys after a girl. They think they’re in competition with each other, (I learned this on a Facebook reel recently), but they’re not. And fighting each other over a girl is…well, kind of sexist because it assumes the girl will chose the winner of a duel instead of having feelings and opinions of her own about the two boys. And if that’s true for some of us, it’s true for all of us. So skip the duel. The boy has to choose. Well, I guess he doesn’t have to but if he goes that way, you have your answer: he doesn’t care for either of you all that much and is making the most of the situation.

Cher did hang on despite the fact that there were others interested in Sonny and it resulted in a lot of pain for her. But also a megastar career. That’s not likely (or even advisable) for the rest of us. Who knows what kind of competition she was facing but it was ultimately Sonny’s decision. And he made one…kind of.

GOODY-GOODY

Dear Cher, My problem is that I don’t have any friends. I know quite a lot of people, but nobody talks to me at school. I even walk home alone. Someone told me it’s because I’m too good. I get all A’s in school and everybody think I’m a “square.” What can I do? Gertrude, Newark, N.J.

Cher’s Response:

Dear Gertrude, Being intelligent is a lonely road at times. It seems that most people want you to conform to their way of thinking. Would they like you better if you failed subjects, cut classes and acted like they did? [Yes, I think that’s what she is saying.] Would you like to be just like they want you to be—and not like you are? [Are we reading the same letter?] I hope not. Getting A’s on your report card is not as easy thing to do, or you would not be called too good. You can find friends among the other “squares” in school—and when you do, you may find out who the real “squares” are.

Cher Scholar’s Response:

Well, I guess it’s time to start playing dumb. I’ve seen it work.

Just kidding. This is good advice. Find the squares pronto. They are up to some weird shit that is very interesting. I was just talking about this at dinner last night with a friend of mine. The cool kids, the popular kids: they have it too easy and therefore have no creative problems-solving skills. Not to say the square kids have that yet either but they’re trying out things. They’re forced to. And it’s a lot less boring over there, I tell you what.

Some genius (and in some cases, infamously dangerous) eccentrics (I mean nerds) in Cher’s life:

PEST

Dear Sonny, There is a girl who digs me so much—it’s icky. I just can’t stand her. My friends kid me because she is always hanging around. Please, give me some pointers on how to shake this bird! Bugged, Newport Beach, Calif.

Sonny’s Response:

Dear Bugged, Tell the truth! It sounds like she is not easily shaken. If she is not aware by now that you are not interested, it won’t do you any good to ignore her. Take the time to really talk to her, and tell her in the nicest way you know how that you are just not interested. Be honest—but be kind. Remember, if you leave her a thread of hope—she’ll hang on!

Cher Scholar’s Response:

So here is where the “fight” advice hits a wall. And these are he kinds of mixed messages the lovelorn often get: make it happen…but just short of stalking. There’s a wide and confusing berth there. Hard to dock.

Talking it out is the best advice and so Sonny is right in this case. And Sonny was fending off more women than we would assume from his caricatured-self on the variety shows. He was a famous pop and TV star. Truly, he could have probably done more fending off but ultimately this is what pushed Cher to go it alone. People also under-assume how risky that felt at the time for her and Sonny exacerbated that fear and risk by telling her America would hate her for leaving him and it would ruin both of their careers. And Cher believed everything Sonny said about that sort of thing so…

Cher had to figure out the adage you want them, you don’t need them. Which she famously did by the time she called men a luxury and not a necessity. Cher was able to run her career (or at least put together the entourage) for herself.

This is all to say Cher flew on and this bird can too.

This is Cher putting on her big-girl pants…(or something like that):

SHY-GUY?

Dear Sonny, I met a boy a few weeks ago at a dance. He acted very nice toward me and we really had a good time. Now, I see him every day in school and he doesn’t even say “hello.” He stares at me a lot, but he never talks to me. Could it be because I’m a year younger than he is. Miss Fortune, Scranton, Pa.

Sonny’s Response:

Dear Miss Fortune, I don’t think age has a thing to do with it. It sounds to me like this boy is a little shy. It’s not too hard for a shy-guy to talk to a girl at dances, [Why is that? Is there booze?] if he’s gotten over the hurdle of asking for the first dance. Once you begin to dance, it is harder not to talk. But back at the old schoolyard, it can be a lot tougher. Why sit around waiting for him to say “hello” to you? Act friendly, smile—and then say “hello” to him. He sounds like he needs a little encouragement. It talkes two to tango!

Cher Scholar’s Response:

This is assuming a lot, Sonny. People can lose interest after a dance. And staring is not evidence of feeling. Like I said weeks ago, it could mean a lot of things, like you look ridiculous and the staring party is incredulous.

Cher has often said she struggles with shyness too. But she also often laments that men are afraid to ask her out on dates due to her Cherness. I’m also sure Cher fends off unwanted offers quite a bit. Fame is a power-structure that’s often difficult to negotiate.

But for a lot of these questions you can answer “it takes two to tango.” Two people have to show up. People are closed or open in a plethora of ways. Some are closed at the onset, some are closed to anything really deep, some are closed around a few secrets.

There is no intimacy without vulnerability. There are also no first dates without vulnerability either. So talking on the “hello” duties might not be nearly enough. You can’t always get the horse to the water sometimes (let alone the drinking of it)…and you could become miserable trying.

Shy-guy has to figure it out.

 

Read more Dear Sonny & Cher from 16 Magazine

Dear Sonny & Cher from 16 Magazine, Part 11

This is a very typical image for Sonny & Cher at the time, head to head, a bored-looking Sonny, a dreamy-looking Cher. For some reason, this issue has headings, which I can only think serves to take up some space for short questions and short answers. Typical subjects are covered this week, including every girl’s ongoing desire to have Cher-hair. In fact, there’s lots of hair in this one. You could say this is a hairy issue of “Dear Cher….and Sonny” from 16 Magazine!” Har.

 

Do you have some personal questions that are crying for an answer? Do you need heartfelt advice from someone who knows and cares? Do you feel that there is no one that you can turn to or trust? If you answer yes to all of these questions, please don’t despair—because Sonny and I are really here and we really are going to help you. Each month we carefully read your mail and pick out a cross-section of the most important questions that you ask. If your answer is not here in this issue, keep looking—because sooner or later we will get around to you and your problem.

TRUE-BLUE

Dear Cher, I’m in the tenth grade and I have been going steady with the same boy for over ten months. My problem is that my girl friends are jealous of me. They say that ten months is too long to go with the same boy and that I am too popular in school. Do you think I should break up with my steady and “play the field” like they do? Karen, Wickliffe, Ohio

Cher’s Response:

Dear Karen, “Playing the field” is not all it’s cracked up to be. For some people, there is just one person who has the quality of all persons. These people are very rare. When I first met Sonny I knew that my “playing the field” days were over. He was the “one” I’d been looking for. I have never regretted that decision. Maybe you too are one of the “lucky” people who have found a rare relationship. If you are, forget about those nagging girl friends. They are jealous—because you just may have found the thing they are looking for!

Cher Scholar’s Response:

Ten months! Too popular? Too popular to stay with one boy? Or just too popular unrelated? Like multiple grievances?

Turns out these ideas of “playing the field” or “going steady” come down to cultural pressure. There are decades when “playing the field” is the thing to do (1920s and 1930s) and decades when society puts pressure on women and men to “go steady” (post World War II with a scarcity of men, 1940s and 1950s). Like capitalism, it seems to have to do with supply and demand.  After the social revolution in the 1960s and 70s, this became more of a personal choice in theory, but somehow stratified across gender in movies, videos and other cultural materials. This means that in the 1930s if you had many boyfriends you were doing it right. But in the 1980s you could still be coded as slutty.

In a book I’m reading, there’s an explication of the Jackson Browne video for the song “Tender is the Night” (a video I have zero memory of) and male attention is described there as “commanding but fleeting.” And I’m pretty sure after a thousand hours watching MTV videos in the 1980s, that’s what I expected male attention to be. It seemed a strange era of conflicting encouragements, which seems messier than if everyone were just on the same page.

I remember when I was new to online dating. Men on FastCupid were not exactly trying to find quick hook-ups, (like they were on Match), but they were still primarily interested in “playing the field.” And so after getting the idea, I remember telling my friend and roommate Julie one morning that this is just what people were doing now and so I was going to do it, too. Now this plan didn’t last very long because that very same morning the person I dating with at the time changed his mind and suddenly wanted “going steady,” although we didn’t call it that in mid-2000s-Los Angeles. The term then was “being exclusive.”

The point is, these should really be personal decisions but they seem to be cultural ones. My joke has always been that around 2005 I had a Liz Taylor week. And that was been my experience playing the field.

I’ve always wondered about the etymology of the term “playing the field.” According to Dictionary.com, it comes from British horseracing: “it meant to bet on every horse in a race except the favorite.”

Cher wasn’t kidding when she said she only had eyes for Sonny when she met him. She has often described seeing him for the first time like seeing star-filter around Tony in the movie West Side Story. People who knew her then describe her as being infatuated. Like girls and boys in the 1980s, they did not seem to be on the same page.

 

HAIR-RAISING QUESTION

Dear Cher, How long did it take you to grow your hair? I’m growing mine long and can’t wait until it gets as long as yours. It’s really beautiful. I hope you never cut it! Madeline, Costa Mesa, Calif.

Cher’s Response:

Dar Madeline, Thanks for the compliment. I had my hair cut very short when I was 16, and it’s been growing every since. I keep it about 24 inches long, and cut off an inch or so every three months. If you watch the ends, when yours start to split, cut a little off and your hair will grow in faster and healthier. Good luck!

Cher Scholar’s Response:

Madeline, don’t lose your mind, but Cher did cut her hair. A few times.

My summer neighborhood friends Diana and Lillian both had beautiful long black hair and one day Diana taught us how to cut off our split ends. The Susan Dey book also reminds me we used to shampoo twice every day (a thing called repeat) and we used a thing called creme rinse (before they invented conditioner). Beauty trends are their own circle of madness. Within the last ten years, coconut was the thing for conditioners. Then it was avocado. Then it was minerals from the Dead Sea. Years from now it will be coconut again.

It’s interesting Cher had a target of 24 inches. So specific. Hair was a big deal in the Sonny & Cher mythology from the beginning. Cher’s long hair, as this column has shown, was much envied. And part of the S&C story involved Sonny’s hair as well and the altercations he had with other people (mostly men, I’m assuming) over the length of it. This was mentioned as the reason “Laugh at Me” was composed, a restaurant dust-up over how Sonny & Cher looked. And Sonny’s hair wasn’t ever really all that long.

But hair is also mentioned in “I Got You Babe,” (“let them say you’re hair’s too long”), and in “Somebody,” (“It aint long hair. It ain’t short hair”), and, as Cher scholar Robrt reminded me, the IGUB-copycat song, “But You’re Mine,” (‘that your hair isn’t combed all the time”).

I have never liked the song “But You’re Mine.” It’s a sweet sentiment until it gets nonsensical. The part about “they’ll have to blow their mind”—what does that even mean?

And this line really bugs me, “you’re not real pretty, but you belong to me” as if they would be somehow unlovable if they didn’t belong to each other. I guess possession is nine-tenths of love as well as the law.

Speaking of hair, Sonny shirtless alert….

I actually love pictures of Sonny and Cher in swimming pools. This colorful image was posted this week on the Sonny Bono Facebook page with this back story:

“This photograph was made for McCall’s magazine’s “Teen Idols” story in 1966. Photographer Art Kane strapped himself into full scuba gear and weighted himself down at the bottom of Sonny and Cher’s Beverly Hills pool. He took hundreds of pictures until he got ‘The One’.;

 

NASTY-NEPHEW

Dear Cher, I am 14 years old and I have a five-year old nephew. He is pretty nice most of the time, but when my boy friend comes over he turns into a real monster! He embarrasses me, bites me and won’t leave me alone for a minute. What can I do? Aunt-in-Distress, Lafayette, La.

Cher’s Response:

Dear Aunt-in-Distress, Sounds to me as though your pint-size nephew has a king-size crush—on you! He is being a pest because he is jealous of the attention you give to your boy friend. This is natural for a boy his age. (You should hear Sonny talk about the crush he had on his third-grade teacher!) Try to ignore those painful punches if you can, and I bet your nephew gets tired of his “games.” He’s only playing them to bother you. Don’t let him!

Cher Scholar’s Response:

I’m trying to remember myself hanging around my brothers when they brought their girlfriends to our house. I attached myself to my older brother’s cheerleader girlfriend like a barnacle sister and here we are today with that. (I really wanted a sister.) Randy had more sense than to bring his girlfriends around, but I do remember a pretty girl named Julie. They came to the house to take homecoming pictures. She was shy but friendly with me. I’m sure I was a pest, just as I was when my brother’s friends were around. I had a crush on one of Randy’s friends. Plus, they were very funny and I wanted to be around the comedy routines.

But I had the opposite problem too, older brothers who teased my boyfriend. That doesn’t always end well either.

Then there’s the issue we discussed a few columns back: where is the line between being a pest and being a jerk? Some teasing seems mean or rude to some people and like foreplay to others.

A quote is going around Twitter that says, “Never tell a little girl that when a boy is mean or rude to her it’s because he has a crush on her. Don’t teach her that abuse is a sign of love.”

I can understand the problem. I was told that by my mother all the time. The point was they wouldn’t give you trouble if they didn’t like you. And I think that’s often true…to a point. Some boys are just teasing. But others are real bullies. And you have to learn to tell the difference. Boys have to do this too, in their own way. You could say all humans have to figure this out. Because girls can be mean and rude just as often as boys can. It’s just that boys don’t find themselves caught in domestic violence situations as often as girls do.

If “just ignoring them” (my mother’s suggestion) worked, we wouldn’t have so many bullies today.

If you’re ever hit, screamed at repeatedly or torn down (even quietly) verbally, the situation has gone beyond “teasing” and this is never love.

Once on Oprah’s Life Class, I heard someone suggest relying on your instincts; but not everyone has a great instincts.

And then some people have difficulty expressing love. I was one of those people. My family was not verbally affectionate. We weren’t huggers. And I can tell you it’s amazing the wonders in-laws can do in a family dynamic, marriages that bring in people for whom saying “I love you” is a matter of course. Sometimes people just need exposure and practice in how to behave more effectively.

I think you just need to be wary of people who have had a bad childhood experience and are looking to take it out on others. Maybe you are the type of person who reminds them of someone who once hurt them. That’s not good.

But back to our little pest here. What is the best way to handle a young boy or girl when they are working off a bad strategy to get attention? We’ve all been there, down the road of a bad strategy. Like anyone using the Scientific Method, this kid had a theory and he tested it out and  did not get the anticipated result. Maybe his favorite Aunt should sit him down and tell him it’s time for him to come up with a new tactic.

 

CLEAN-CUT

Dear Sonny, I’m a guy who gets called “square” by all my long-haired buddies because I wear my hair short! I had long hair before and I really didn’t like the way I looked. I know long hair is “in” now, but I just don’t like the way it looked on me! Should I give in? Bugged, Scranton, Pa.

Sonny’s Response:

Dear Bugged, If you feel better with your hair cut short, wear it that way. Exercise your right as an individual to dress the way you feel best. Fashion is a very temporary thing. What is “in” today is “out” tomorrow. There are lots of people who follow the “latest fads” because they have no real direction of their own. Listen to yourself—you just might be a trend-setter!

Cher Scholar’s Response:

Well, Bugged was not a trend-setter as it turns out. Long hair was here to stay. But as Sonny stated later in 1971, “it aint long hair; it aint short hair.” Everybody do your thing.

This is a good opportunity to play my favorite Sonny & Cher song, “Somebody.”

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SHUT-IN

Dear Sonny, I’m 15 and I got in trouble at school. I “cut” a few classes and my parents found out. My problem is that they won’t let me do anything anymore. I have to report home after school and stay in on weekends. How can I make my folks see that I have learned my lesson? Locked-Up, Yuma, Ariz.

Sonny’s Response:

Dear Locked-Up, Have you tried telling them? It’s a funny thing, but almost everyone can recognize the truth. I f you really have “learned your lesson,” your parents should see that there is no reason for your punishment to continue. If they don’t try to see that your present situation is only temporary [then] use it to your advantage. Read, start a new project, find something you are interested in—but don’t waste your time feeling sorry for yourself! 

Cher Scholar’s Response:

When I was a senior I talked two of my friends, Nellie and Craig, into going to McDonalds for lunch. This was not allowed. We were not supposed to leave campus during the day but Donna and I had been cutting study hall for a while as it was our last class and nobody had ever stopped us. Well, this time we were intercepted by security coming back.

Why did we come back? Because we were nerdy kids who didn’t cut actual classes.

As the security guy came over to us, my friends started to panic and I implored them to essentially lawyer-up. That did not happen. One of them was willing to turn bad, like I was, but the other one broke immediately into tears and confessions. But we got off without even a warning. That’s how bad we were at being bad.

Later that year I threw myself a birthday and graduation party at the Clarion hotel in downtown St. Louis. It took some subterfuge and adult role-playing to arrange it and I’m still amazed we pulled it off, quite frankly. I got into a lot of trouble at home myself, but not as much grief as my friend Rand got for coming. His mother grounded him for a year. A year. He said he didn’t regret it but I still feel guilty about that.

I, however, was ungroundable. My mother often mentioned that when you put televisions into your kid’s bedrooms, they become ungroundable. I never understood why she didn’t just take the TVs back out. They were portable after all. But that wouldn’t have made much difference, she said, because I was a reader and was happy enough to read all day and night. And she didn’t want to ground me from books.

Both Sonny and Cher got into trouble in high school. Sonny got suspended, according to Cher’s Sonny & Me documentary, for bringing an African American band to play at his school prom. Cher was in trouble for things like wearing sunglasses to class, according to her mother’s TV special Superstars and Their Moms. Both of them dropped out of high school before graduation and were definitely, in their own ways, ungroundable too.

Read more Dear Sonny & Cher from 16 Magazine

 

Dear Sonny & Cher from 16 Magazine, Part 10

What a great Cher smile in this issue of “Dear Cher….and Sonny” from 16 Magazine!

Let’s return to the conversation about whether or not Sonny & Cher had anything to do with this advice column enterprise. I had a conversation with another Cher scholar last week who knows some behind-the-scenes workings of another teen magazine of the day and in that magazine (and most likely this one I suppose), stars were just brand-stamps on articles written by staff.

This is easy to believe with the Cher responses, especially considering how shy she was/is. However, I have a harder time disconnecting Sonny from his answers (or from Cher’s answers either, truth be told). How likely would it be to capture his sort of hippie-masquerading, dated sexism with some staff writer on the 16 Magazine? Okay, well maybe not so unlikely. I wasn’t even born yet so I have no idea what the conditions of the teen-rag patriarchy were back then orhow many old hacks were advising teen girls how to flirt.

But whether it was Sonny and/or Cher answering these questions doesn’t really matter all that much at the end of the day. The kids believed it was Sonny and Cher responding to these questions. And this was all-of-a-piece image-making for Sonny and Cher as “friends of their fans” which seemed to be Sonny’s strategy at the time. Their casualness with fans was part of their brand. So we can continue here, like swell tween fans, to believe this is really Sonny & Cher.

 

If your young life is full of problems there’s no need for you to suffer alone. In fact, there’s no need for you to suffer at all. Cher—and Sonny—want to help you—right here in the pages of 16!

Hi! Here were are again—Cher and Sonny—and we’re as eager as ever to help you solve your problems. So please, please write to us and tell us what’s wrong in your life, and we’ll do our absolute best to make it right. If you feel that your problem is something Cher can best help you with, address your letter to Cher. And if you feel that Sonny can best advise you on your particular worry, address your letter to Sonny. You know that you can depend on both of us to help you all we can—and we’re always here, in every issue of 16 Magazine.

Dear Cher, There are two new boys in my class who seem to be very nice and who are quite cute. Both of them are shy and haven’t talked to or taken notice of any girl. I would like to get to know them better, but I didn’t want to be too forward. Any suggestions? Bashful, Los Angeles, Calif.

Cher’s Response:

Dear Bashful, One good trick in a situation like this is to keep yourself in their “sights.” Maybe one day these two young hunters will decide it’s time to aim at some bird, and if you are standing there you might be the chosen one!

Cher Scholar’s Response:

First of all, I think these two boys have probably noticed the girls. Unless they’ve been noticing the boys instead. You never know. This terminology though is a relic of the 1960s: aiming, hunting, girls in sights, targets. What a bloody metaphor.

There is an allegedly inaccurate but famous quote often attributed to Cher. It apparently was said around the time she first laid eyes on her boyfriend Robert Camilletti: “Have him washed and brought to my tent.” This quote even made its way into the movie Mama Mia: Here We Go Again, spoken from the character of Christine Baranski. The movie’s makers were fans themselves of Cher and Cher’s mythology and this seemed an interesting tribute to her later cameo in the movie. But this was also one of the things in the movie that prevented us from seeing Cher as the character in the story. It took us out of that fiction and we were stuck seeing Cher as a loosely-veiled cameo character (as she has been in all too many recent Cher movies).

But aside from that, the sentiment is a bit creepy. No more appealing than being caught in the sights of a hunter. Objectifying isn’t any better coming from a woman than it is coming from a man. It’s just men don’t seem to mind it as much. This is because the consequences for being objectified aren’t so severe for them. It can be just plain fun and sexy.

All that said, in a previous blog post we were discussing flirting as a dance; and there’s surely something to be said for the imaginative side of that dance….and the playful side of the power-struggles. Here’s the issue: men can do some f**ked-up shit objectifying women and women can do some f**ked-up shit trying to overturn power-struggles with men. And with LGBTQ-relationships, the dysfunction can go any which way but loose. Humans are strange creatures. Let’s not take all the fun out of it but also realize how some of these games can get dangerous or bleed over into other aspects of our lives.

Does that sound like a difficult tightrope walk? Yeah, it does.

I actually think that sort of game-playing works once you know each other a little better first. And you have a safe word. Hornwaffle. There. You can use that one. I’m not using it.

Dear Cher, I am 13 years old and I have had the same problem for over two years. I can’t seem to make friends with girls. I had one girl friend , but I lost her. The worst thing is that boys seem to like me a lot. When a car passes me, or I go somewhere, I get waived at or yelled at. I want to be friends with girls and boys. Please tell me what to do. Worried, Carrollton, Ohio

Cher’s Response:

Dear Worried, A girl who is popular with boys usually get scratched off by girls—simply because they are jealous. I wouldn’t worry about it too much, if I were you. I remember when I was your age I didn’t have many girl friends either, but by the time I was 14 I had one really good friend and later got a couple more. I think it’s more important to have one or two good girl friends than to be popular with the “gang.”

Cher Scholar’s Response:

“Scratched off?” I had to read that a few times. Was that a hip mid-60s saying?

I don’t remember girls being jealous anymore by age 13. Maybe girls starting earlier than they did in the 1960s. (That darn Rick Springfield.) By the time we were freshman (14), even the stragglers like me where caught up in the dating drama. It was the girls who started early (11-12) who might have experienced jealousy from other girls regarding boys. But I think we’re getting in the weeds.

It was beneficial for me, as a person, to have girl friends and platonic boy friends. There’s an episode of the TV show The Goldbergs which was almost a replica of my own experience as a teen. Adam’s older brother Barry is telling him that he can’t have a platonic friendship with his platonic friend Emmy because boy/girl relationships always turn romantic. My brother told me the exact same thing once.

I now think the disagreement was due to our respective age gap. Both of my older brothers had that interim generational experience between Boomers and Gen Xers. But Gen X kids like me did have platonic relationships in the 1980s all the time. One of the reasons for this was because more Gen X gay kids were out of the closet than they were a decade earlier.  We were also much more casual with each other, regardless of sexual orientation or preference. And then again in some situations, those platonic friendships were put under pressure by changed feelings. That happened too.

But all those relationships helped us later in the workplace and in adulthood. In fact, I found it often easier to be friends with boys than girls as I got older. Girls, as I’ve noted, can be unconsciously furtive. Sometimes there’s unconscious drama at play operating at a level even girls seem unaware of.

My big problem was often making a bad or incorrect first impression. And sometimes first impressions were hard to overcome. I had to work hard at not letting that “bad foot” put me on the defensive or determine how I would behave with those women going forward. I had to learn to dismiss it and keep trying. Once someone got to know me…everything would change and a friendship could develop.

But you need time and space to turn that around. For people you don’t have the space and time to develop a more honest relationship, you have to let those relationships go and not worry about it.

I’ve made some mistakes, too, when I was young, working through how to navigate new relationships with girls. In the beginning I bartered with agreeability.  That didn’t work for anyone. Later after college, I trafficked in gossip and cattiness. That did work and although it was fun in a bitchy way, it was shallow and unsustainable both morally and professionally (cattiness can come back to bite you in the ass).

I finally settled on humor. And I could turn my natural cattiness into self-deprecation and get the same result so…

Self-deprecation is great on many levels. Self-aggrandizement is distancing, People like an underdog. And struggle is something they can sympathize with (flaws are like Velcro as we discussed previously). And ironically, it takes confidence to let yourself be seen as a flawed person.

I can’t say first impression mistakes aren’t still sometimes stressful hurdles, but if I give myself all the time in the world to turn things around, I feel okay about it.

Cher has been friends with all sorts of people. And her relationships with men and women have gone through ups and downs, both friends and lovers. It’s a journey, not a sprint.

Dear Cher, I have terrible pimples and, at times, acne. Please tell me what I can do. I am desperate. Bumpy, New York City

Cher’s Response:

Dear Bumpy, There are several things you can do, and here they are—but you really must do them: In the future, avoid all fried foods, chocolate, nuts, greasy foods, soda pop with sugar in it (the no-calorie type is better for you), butter and coconut. The next thing you must do is keep your skin clean at all times. Wash your face with a mild soap morning and evening (using a very gentle complexion brush and patting dry with a spotlessly clean towel). Carry some Fresh Ups or Wash ‘n’ Dry face cleaners with you to use from time to time during the day if necessary. There are many medicated, tinted make-ups in cream and liquid. pHisoHex puts out a very good line—you can get them at your drugstore. If your acne is bad, see your family doctor. They have some great new antibiotic injections that really work—I mean, they usually get rid of acne from one to two weeks.

Cher Scholar’s Response:

I had to look up what a complexion brush was. Turns out I have one. Huh. It also turns out pHisoHex was banned in 1972 for the use of hexachlorophene. The product has relaunched later using the ingredient salicylic acid.

There are new brands now for acne: Dermalogica, Proactiv, La Roche-Posay and new patches that work well to suffocate those little buggers overnight. You can also get LED and cortisone treatments from dermatologists.

For probably the same reason I was late in wanting boys to chase me (or to chase them all while pretending to let them chase me or whatever it was we were supposed to be doing), I didn’t have very many pimples in high school, which was lucky because I was into using acne-causing makeup and my family’s main food was Mexican so avoiding fried tortillas and greasy food was inconceivable.

That all happened in my 20s. And I remember having an argument with a dermatologist around that time about antibiotics, which were all the rage then for treating acne. I was really into animal rights issues and had read all about the overuse of antibiotics in humans and farm animals and how this was going to wreck havoc on us years down the line when antibiotics would lose their effectiveness. Doctors (like this very dermatologist) were very dismissive of animal rights intellectuals at the time and their ideas. I lost the argument and used the antibiotics but those arguments did win-out 30 to 40 years later and now doctors take it for granted that we’ve overused antibiotics. I don’t even see that as a  recommendation for treatment for acne these days.

In the mid-1980s, one or both (I can’t remember) of Cher’s former managers, Charlie Greene and Brian Stone, gave a tell-all interview about Cher to one of the tabloids (The Enquirer or Star). It was pretty mean. One of the things mentioned was how much junk food Cher ate in the 1960s and how bad her acne was.

The only letter I’ve ever sent to Cher was over this article. I was 12 or 13 and was incensed by it. God knows what rant about the article I sent off. I got back a thank-you on a postcard.

But Cher has been very open about her love of Jack-in-the-Box tacos and her now-occasional indulgence of them.

She’s also been open about the acne she had in the early 1970s when The Sonny & Cher Comedy Hour started and the heavy makeup caused her skin to break out. You can sometimes catch a glimpse of that situation during close-ups in early solo numbers. It was around that time that Cher became interested in skin care, an interest that led her to launch her own skin care product line, Aquasentials, in the 1990s.

Dear Sonny, I would like your honest opinion. I have a good complexion, a nice figure and am fairly cute, but I have one thing boys hate—I wear glasses! I can’t stand them, but I can’t see without them. I just lost two boyfriends because of them. I am 14 and really dig guys, but my four-eyes make me lose my cool. Help!, Chicago, Ill.

Sonny’s Response:

Dear Help!, Hold on there a minute. Wearing glasses may bother but you, but it’s not all that big a problem. First off, eyeglasses are very in and very groovy looking these days, as we all know. Maybe you ought to look a little deeper. Maybe you are losing those guys you dig because of some other reason—one you won’t even admit to yourself as yet. Give it some thought. Now, if the fact is you have to wear really thick lenses, I can only suggest that you get your parents to take you to a good optometrist who will advise you as to whether or not you can wear contact lenses. Many, many people wear them and love them. (John Lennon and Mark Lindsay do.) Why don’t you give it a go?

Cher Scholar’s Response:

One time I was working as a receptionist for a interior designer in St. Louis. One of their clients, a gay male designer, once called and referred to me as “the girl with the glasses.” I found this horrifying and had contacts within a week.

But as I learned from Mr. Cher Scholar years later, some people have a fetish for girls who wear glasses. After all, this was a major plot-point of Adam Ant’s video for “Goody Two Shoes.” And then there’s the character of Bailey in the TV show WCRP in Cincinnati. Mr. Cher Scholar explained to me one day that some men found her much more attractive than the Jennifer Marlow character. I found this impossible to believe because Loni Anderson was such a phenomenon at the time.

So I went online and found out there’s a whole group of guys who feel this way. Apparently, they’re more into the girl next door than the sexy mama. Huh. Each to his own.

Cher can really work some glasses. And they were a good prop for her character in the movie Suspect.

Dear Sonny, I am 13 years old and have an unusual problem. I am really very ugly. People tell I’m cute just to make me feel good. I only wish I could live up to what they say, but no matter what I do—like try different haircombs or makeup—I just seem to get uglier. Please help me. Ugly, Miami, Fla.

Sonny’s Response:

Dear Ugly, I have said this before and I repeat: there is beauty in each and every one of us. If you would just stop dwelling on your bad points, perhaps your good points would start shining through. The best advice I can give you is to be yourself, to accept yourself and to be honest (but optimistic) in everything you do. Each individual is unique; each of us is endowed with God’s great gift of life, and each of us has a mission to fulfill while we are here. In other words, there is a purpose and meaning to all things and all individuals. Don’t deny yours and yourself. You don’t have to be a hippy or be in with the in crowd. An exterior beauty is something that fades, whereas inner beauty grows and grows as the years go by. 

Cher Scholar’s Response:

You don’t have to be a hippie? Who said you had to be a hippie? What’s that got to do with anything?

I’m still working my way through the Susan Day book. I had to skip the end of the section about boys. It was too much, except for the “so you want to date a star” chapter which was a real page turner, not least because it brought comments and suggestions in again from David Cassidy who was the teen idol of the day. Oddly though Susan Dey did not consider herself a star worthy of consideration in that chapter.

And she was every bit a star. Full disclosure, I haven’t seen episodes of The Partridge Family. Well, maybe one episode on VH-1 decades later when that channel went retro in the mid-1990s. My local stations in St. Louis didn’t carry The Partridge Family during the years I was watching after-school TV. And I watched a lot of it. Even My Three Sons which I hated and Gilligan’s Island which I was ambivalent about. I was definitely on team Marsha as a result because I watched The Brady Bunch hundreds of times.

But I also didn’t care for the Reuben Kincaid character at all or Danny Bonaduce or the two little kids or Shirley Jones. I basically only liked David Cassidy, Susan Dey and the bus. In fact, if the show could have been just about the bus, I would have been thrilled. I was a real fan of the bus.

In any case, the next section of the Susan Dey book gets much better. Things improve after she moves on to beauty tricks. She talks about a simple-style of beauty, avoiding a lot of makeup. She talks about radiance. Which is akin to my idea of energy. Some people don’t have all the right facial features in all the “right” places, but they radiate a beautiful energy.

Also, we can’t ever see ourselves how others see us. Cher, throughout her life, has labeled herself ugly, as a child to her mother, on the 1978 TV special recreating the episode of her child self talking to her mother and during disagreements with Mike Nichols on the set of Silkwood. It’s pretty incredible but what can she do? You have two eyes and a brain and a point of view. It’s not so easy to trust the opinions of others when they contract with what’s in front of your very own eyes.

Add to that the fact that a mirror shows you everything backwards and then there’s the complication of body dysmorphia for some people. You just have to let it go. You can’t be self-defined by the container of yourself. It’s impossible to figure out. Like the existence of God.

Read more Dear Sonny & Cher from 16 Magazine

Dear Sonny & Cher from 16 Magazine, Part 9

Oh boy. I was feeling pretty good this weekend thinking we had only two more advice columns to review after this one. The questions about boys have been trying on my soul, especially this week’s responses from Sonny. Add to that the reading of the Susan Dey advice book, which is a nightmare of conflicting and problematic guidance for girls. Alarming warnings are made to not under any circumstances  “chase” and then soon after there’s a chapter called “Chasing.”

It’s  rough and I don’t know if I can make it through it. In fact, I’d put Susan Dey’s book right up there as one of the more difficult books I’ve ever read.

I’ve been complaining about these depressing time-capsules of dating advice to a few people and I hear in response the same thing: “That was a different time, Mary.” And I get that. Times have changed. And yet we are now hearing ever-louder calls for a return to this “quaintness” (from the Chief’s kicker, J.D. Vance, a whole slew of creepy people on Twitter/X). So…I don’t know. I still don’t feel like I’m on steady ground here as a girl. And I get a bit anxious just reading this shit.

This week I kept thinking thank God (thank God!!) I learned everything about boys and dating from John Hughes movies instead of columns and books like these. At least Jennifer Grey was allowed to be surly in Uncle Buck; and Molly Ringwald was allowed to be confused and critical in all of the John Hughes movies she was in. I can’t tell you how helpful that was to a confused person such as myself. That you could be just a normal person, not super feminine (see below) and the boys didn’t have to be “alphas.” In fact, those kinds of boys were played very villainously by actors like James Spader. Thank God also for the somewhat gender-fluid 1980s where boys could wear eye-liner and girls could have bi-lateral, funky hair. You had the freedom to explore ways of being. And maybe people were freaking out about it then, too, but those freak-outs were just off our radar screens.

Anyway, I was so happy to see the finish line with these old pressures of bad flirting and then I went into the Chersonian Institute (a.k.a. the Cher She-shed) this weekend and found two more lost columns! Eek! And one was compromised, so I went online afterwards to find a better copy and found another two more!!! Ack! So now we have six more to do instead of two. Oy vey.

So let’s keep going. I like the landscape photograph in this week’s column because I like to imagine Sonny and Cher are pondering over these letters and the weight of their responsibility in answering them.

 

If your young life is full of problems, there’s no need for you to suffer alone. In fact, there’s no need for you to suffer at all. Cher—and Sonny—want to help you—right here in the pages of 16!

Sonny and I are back again, reading your letters, answering as many as possible, and (hopefully) helping you to solve the problems you encounter in your day-to-day life. If your letter is not here, please don’t feel neglected—there just is not enough room in 16 to answer all of the many letters we get every month. Sonny and I carefully select a cross-section of the mail [see them  cross-sectioning above]  that represents your most important problems. If your questions aren’t answered this month, please come back next month—for sooner or later you will find your problem and our advice right here in 16 Magazine.

Dear Cher, I don’t like the way I look and I want to do something about it. What should I do to change my looks and become a new me? Waiting, Charleston, S.C.

Cher’s Response:

Dear Waiting, I think it’s very exciting to do yourself over from head to toe once in a while. The first thing you should do is get a bunch of hair styling and beauty magazines (or, better yet, order 16’s Popularity and Beauty Book—see the ad on the following page). When you have gathered together all of these magazines, scan through them and try to find your type. Study all the types for people with a face shaped like yours. Are you round, oval or square? Magazines dealing with make-up and beauty tips cover all types. The hair magazines have setting and comb-out instructions for all lengths and colors of hair. The hair books also tell you how to correct faults—like if your hair is too curly, what to do, etc. [Just wait until the 1980s]. Try to get a girlfriend to join you in your campaign to re-do yourself. It is always more fun when you have someone to share your thoughts with and to exchange ideas with. The two of you could spend a “beauty weekend” together and probably come out with some great new results. Good luck.

Cher Scholar’s Response:

I got really into my local library’s coffee-table beauty books for a while as a tween. This is not to say I ever became good at it, but I do like all the do-dads and beauty artifacts. And I have always fantasized about the styling weekend with a girlfriend. Or even the spa weekend of the skin care side of things. But most of my girlfriends aren’t as interested in this stuff.

I also love the make-over in movies. There’s actually a scholarly book about this, The Makeover In Movies. I haven’t read it yet but it’s on my list. Cher’s makeover in Moonstruck would most definitely be addressed in this book, (she’s in the index), as this is an iconic makeover sequence in a movie. Cher visits a hair salon, buys a new dress and does her makeup slowly in her living room all in anticipation of a date to the opera with Nicholas Cage.

You can also see grooming images in Good Times and the ladies go through a somewhat big, albeit offscreen, transformation in The Witches of Eastwick. (It’s the sex doing the makeover in their case.) And we can’t forget the bad makeover Cher receives in Silkwood from her mortician girlfriend, where she’s made to look like a corpse by mistake and Drew is snarky about it and then Angela gets into a snit and moves out. And it’s a subtle one but the Madame at the whorehouse in Chastity does a creepy baby-doll dress makeover on Cher’s Chastity character. And then Cher tries to make herself presentable to her parents (and not look like a drug addict) in the movie Mask. (I tried to recreate that star necklace, by the way.)

So lot’s of Cher makeover moments in the movies, which is an understandable cinematic impulse because there have been so many Cher transformations in her personal timeline. Cher has always changed her look to suit the times and she seems to enjoy updating her personal and professional looks: from the grunge bangs and hippie duds of the 1960s to the sleek, long-haired goddess in jeans look of the 1970s to the big wigs and tight clothes of the 1980s, and it goes on.

Cher is much more outrageous than me in her explorations. I just like to try different brands of mascara.

Dear Cher, I am going with a boy I am not sure I really like. I go with him because I am lonely, but I really love my old boyfriend (who doesn’t love me). This new boy is nice and sweet. Do you think I am doing the wrong thing? In Need of Help, Bow, Washington

Cher’s Response:

Dear In Need of Help, You definitely are doing the wrong thing. If this boy is so nice, you should not lead him on—for eventually you will hurt him very deeply. If your old boyfriend snapped his fingers, you would go back to him in a flash and leave your present boyfriend suffering—just as you are suffering now. Since you know what it feels like to be hurt, learn something from it and don’t hurt this nice boy. Take my advice and you’ll be a better person for it. 

Cher Scholar’s Response:

I don’t even think this would be Cher’s response anymore. I mean she didn’t have the same feelings for Gene Simmons she had for Gregg Allman. And there’s nothing wrong with that. Each relationship is its own weather system. Simmons, like this boy, had all the markings of a rebound relationship. Getting back on the horse, romantically speaking. Not every relationship is your forever home. Some are truly “We’ve Got Tonight” situations and this is fine if the two people are on the same page. All sorts of people are out there in the wilderness trying to find their way. And we can’t even assume that much about this relationship based on the question. The boy hasn’t weighed in about where he’s coming from.

Sometimes rebounds rebound again into something permanent. Seems to me what makes any relationship healthy is communication. So just make sure intentions are clear at all times and if or when feelings change, talk it out.

What is not okay is withholding your feelings about a relationship and leading another person into believing you are more serious or dedicated than you are. I have a very good friend who’s parents divorced when he was an adult because the husband had been having a marriage-long affair with a woman he had always considered his true love. The wife wasn’t as upset by the affair as she was by the fact that she had wasted her youth on a relationship that wasn’t true love.

There’s a difference between using someone and being lonely together.

That said, relationships are very complicated and even in my friend’s parents’ case, who’s to say what was going on and what torment people go through when they are navigating current relationships and when to end them. For example, why did Sonny stay with Cher when he was often distracted by other women? I’m sure his motivations were complicated: loyalty to Cher, desire to keep the money coming in, true affection. Why did Cher stay with Sonny so long during that same time? As Cher has said over and over, theirs was a very complicated relationship. She saw Sonny as a parental figure to her, a lover, a sibling, a co-parent to Chastity. Relationships are rarely smoothly operating machines or rarely cleanly broken off. It’s almost a topic that is beyond advice.

Sonny gave Cher a big wet kiss immediately after their divorce hearing! A very public kiss. Cher says it was hard to stay mad at Sonny, even minutes after a custody battle. Sounds very complicated to me.

Dear Cher, My parents won’t let me buy records or any of the other things teenagers like, even though it’s my own money. How can I convince them that it’s my money and that they should let me do what I like with it? Kar, Northbrook, Ill.

Cher’s Response:

Dear Kar, If you earn this money, either by babysitting or by doing other work, then you should be allowed to buy anything you wish with it within reason. If you get an allowance, you might tell your mother you are willing to set aside a certain amount of it for savings, but that you feel you should spend the rest on harmless “fun” things you enjoy.

Cher Scholar’s Response:

This is a tough one. Teenage years are mostly about testing your independence. Some very controlling parents out there inflict an “anything under my roof goes by my rules” policy. My parents were not like this (that practically had to push me out of the nest) although they were what you would consider strict in many ways. I was the last in line and my parents were pretty laissez-faire by the time I came along. They didn’t much notice what I was doing with my little amount of money. I was saving up my lunch money and buying record albums and Taco Bell dinners with friends. Nothing to test a “within reason” qualification. I wouldn’t even have known where to find the unreasonable stuff. But I was below everyone’s radar, I’m pretty sure. Recently, a family member labeled me as a goth kid, which surprised me because I had pink wallpaper, pink carpet and listened to Barry Manilow all day. But I guess within those confines, I was kind of a Barry-Manilow-listening, pink-loving kind of sad kid. Maybe a Pink Goth. Was that a thing? No it was not.

Some parents believe in providing trust until trust is broken. Some parents have to control every aspect of their habitats. And I don’t know any way around those kinds of parents aside from hanging in there until you can secure your own independence and move out as soon as you can. I don’t see this type of parent being suddenly convinced by arguments from Cher in 16 Magazine. In fact, I think those parents turned out to be some of the Cher-haters we see out there today. “That hippie Cher tried to corrupt our daughter Kar!”

This is a real problem, though, especially now that there is a whole segment of the population trying to re-define what it means to be a girl, limiting her choices in marriage, family planning and education, let alone all the fun teenage stuff.

But in this case, it could also be a parent who has come from nothing who is attempting to teach their kid about saving money or goal planning and not fettering all their monies on movie tickets and rock-and-roll records.

I’m sort of thankful for the latitude I did receive. It allowed me to follow my intellectual pursuits and learn self-sufficiency, which is what my parents wanted for me (including and maybe especially my father), not to depend on relationships for those things. But that’s not every parental motive out there so…

I don’t know what kind of parents Sonny and Cher were. Chaz Bono has written about this mostly in Becoming Chaz. Cher was gone a lot and some of the nannies seemed better than others. Elijah spent time in boarding schools which he seems to resent.

I haven’t talked to any parent who doesn’t bemoan the fact of how difficult parenting is. Just existentially hard. How you never really know what you’re doing. Short of abuse, it’s good to give parents some latitude for screw-ups. ‘

Does not letting your kid have popular music constitute abuse? I don’t know. I do know a lot of kids who grew up in restrictive households that forbade pop-culture and junk foods and as adults these friends of mine now have trouble navigating moderation with those very things. I’ve also seen problems resulting from over-indulgence. Teaching moderation itself seems to be a good idea.

Dear Sonny, I have a crush on a boy in my class. I think he likes me. How should I act? Just Asking, Bellflower, Calif.

Sonny’s Response:

Dear Just Asking, When you are around this boy, act sweet and not snooty. Don’t go overboard and come on too strong, but at the same time don’t be shy. Let him know “diplomatically” that you’re interested, and then see if he responds. If he does, show him that you are really interested in him, but at the same time try to make him feel that he is flirting with you—not you with him. Try to start one of those “accidental” conversations. Find out what his interests are, and if they are different from yours “bone-up” so that when and if you talk to him, you will be able to say something he wants to hear. Good luck.

Cher Scholar’s Response:

Good luck, indeed. Does dating in this world require a poli sci degree so you can flirt “diplomatically?” Just asking, myself.

“At the same time,” maybe I’m also just asking for a friend. Like all of them. Because this is crazy-making. There are two “but at the same times” in Sonny’s headache-inducing response. And that’s not okay. But at the same time….no, still not okay.

There was a very sweet Muppets (ABC) episode, “A Tail of Two Piggies”  where Gonzo, Pepe and Rizzo became bachelor roommates and were having trouble getting “the womens” (as Pepe says) to come to their house parties. They discovered that one of the best ways to initiate friendship with women was to become interested in what they were interested in. I think this is fine advice. But it could also send you off in a direction that is both a flirting-fail and something that changes the trajectory of your life. This has happened multiple times in my life, once when I tried to become a better high school student because I thought boys liked smart girls and another time I became interested in Buddhism and then 42 books laterthis.

What’s not okay is all the intricacies around how to flirt properly. This is simply the tortured evolution of culture and it becomes stupid at some point  You can’t manage that tightrope of flirting rules all while trying to “be yourself.” Just not compatible tasks. And you might be a genuinely annoying self. What then? Then maybe what you do is to go work on yourselfjust in general. The whole population will probably appreciate that, not just someone you fancy. Work on being less annoying (which is full-time job for some of us, I get it). Keep tweaking into a self you feel you can comfortably be. You may not match up comfortably with people you like. They might even get annoyed with your best self.  As unfortunately as that is, the alternative is pretty grim.

One of the saddest of the Hans Christian Andersen stories is “The Little Mermaid” which is a cautionary tale about this very thing, trying to be what someone else wants all while losing yourself in the process.

I guess in all things, moderation. It’s hard.

Dating is full of strife in Cher movies. Sonny and Cher battle about their futures in Good Times. There are all those poor fellows who try to decipher Cher’s character in Chastity, Dolly’s short burn-out with Angela in Silkwood, Rusty’s comparatively stable romance with Gar in Mask, the various jealousies that develop with the foursome in The Witches of Eastwick, the illicit affair with a juror in Suspect, the tumultuous beginning for Lorretta and Ronny in Moonstruck, the silly and sad relationship between the flighty Mrs. Flax and Lou in Mermaids.

The women don’t ever behave as Sonny advises girls to behave in any of these stories, nor did Cher herself ultimately behave that way. In fact, you can make a case they all flirted pretty badly in a plethora of wonderful ways.

Dear Sonny, Doesn’t femininity count with a guy nowadays? To be popular, does a girl have to be immodest? Where I live, it seems that ladylike girls are “duds.” What’ is your opinion? Curious, Medina, Ohio 

Sonny’s Response:

Dear Curious, No matter how a guy acts, in his heart he much prefers a feminine girl. He will go out with girls who come on strong, but not more than once or twice. Stick to your principles. Be your real self at all times. You may have to wait a little longer to get asked out on dates, but when you do it will be guys who really respect you. 

Cher Scholar’s Response:

(By the way, I was just in Medina, Ohio.)

First of all, this unfortunate answer says more about Sonny than anything. This is dating advice dreck, this “boys only really like nice girls” answer.

Secondly, I can’t tell if this “immodesty” refers to mini-skirts or free love. I also can’t tell if this is a parent writing in masquerading  as a teen.

Some guys (and girls) are attracted to sporty girls, to bad girls, to nutty girls, to “feminine” girls. Some people are attracted to others who are sometimes sporty, sometimes tom-boys, sometimes feminine and sometimes every other type of way to be a person. What a weird idea that flirting has to be so performative toward femininity.

Sonny is definitely not the best person to be answering this question. In fact, it’s relevant to consider Sonny’s age here. He is ten-to-fifteen years older than these hippie tweens and his answer is going to be much more antiquated than, say, if Paul McCartney were answering these letters. This was a time of sexual revolution and it made many older adults, like Sonny, very uncomfortable.

“Guys who really respect you.” Please. You know where you can put that respect, right? As a girl who didn’t fool around enough, I will defend any girl who did.

Do you need his respect? No, you don’t. Do you need your self-respect? Yes, you do. Let that be the guiding principles you stick to. If you don’t want to be “immodest,” whatever that is, don’t. If you don’t feel particularly modest, go out there and live your best life. For me, this modesty shit is part of the fetishization of virginity. Which is all to say men have historically wanted to determine how and women should mate and procreate.

It was a different time. Well, different times are always around the corner again. I am just very thankful to have grown up in the time I did, as a carefree pop-culture addicted Gen-Xer in the 1980s.

I don’t even think this answer has anything to do with how Sonny or Cher behaved as young adults either, or at least Cher who was an aspiring street kid.

One of the amazing things about The Sonny & Cher Comedy Hour was how they refashioned the vamps of history as sexually independent, provocative and ultimately persevering women. Better examples of being a  human could be found there.

 

Read more Dear Sonny & Cher from 16 Magazine

Dear Sonny & Cher from 16 Magazine, Part 8

This week’s installment of Dear Sonny & Cher has a new preamble. And Sonny redeems himself from last week’s creepy, player response. We get an almost sultry picture of Cher this time with lots of eyeliner and mascara. We also get a photo of Sonny attempting sultriness but hitting more goofiness with that officer’s cap.

 

Being young is no fun if you’re worried about your appearance, nervous about how to act, upset about your boyfriend or unhappy about the way your parents treat you. It’s even worse if you have no one to confide in, no one who can help you solve your problems with sound advice.

Sonny and I want to help you in every way we possibly can. If you have a problem an older girl could best help you solve, write to me (Cher). If it’s the kind of problem a guy can best help you solve, write to Sonny. We can’t promise to answer every letter we receive—we receive so many letters, that would be impossible. But [e]very month Sonny and I carefully select a cross-section of the letters representing your most acute problems—so even though your problem many not be answered directly, it will be answered!

As you see, our space is limited and we can only advise on a few problems at a time. So if your problem isn’t discussed in this issue of 16, please look again next month—for sooner or later you will find your problem and our advice right here in 16 Magazine.

Dear Cher, I have these dreadful dark circles under my eyes. They make me look like I have two black eyes. I get plenty of rest and have a proper diet—I’ve tried to cover the circles with makeup, but nothing helps. What can I do? Black Eyes, St. Clair Shores, Mich.

Cher’s Response:

Dear Black Eyes, I have three answers. One: dark circles are sometimes inherited and there is nothing you can do about them. Two: are you in good health? Dark circles sometimes indicate anything from kidney disorder to a mild virus. You should ask your doctor about these dark circles. Three: if you find they are not inherited and not caused by poor health, then go back to the makeup treatment. I suggest that you try Yeardley Eyeliter (you know, like they advertise on The Monkees).  I, too, have a tendency toward dark circles, and this product has done miracles for me.

Cher Scholar’s Response:

I wonder what Monkees advertisement she means. I couldn’t find an eyeliter commercial but I did find this hilarious Monkees Yardly Black Label commercial (“Be the guy’s who’s got it!”) I found an image of the eyeliter product (listed as an “antique”) on Pinterest:

There are now similar natural remedies for dark eye circles. There are also undereye concealers still to buy. Cher has always been interested in beauty products and giving advice on them. Here are a few I found today:

1. “I tried Cher’s Favorite Shampoo and Conditioner for a Week!” (Video) in which an influencer goes through recent Cher product plugs. What a fabulously fun idea to try these all!

2 “Cher, 75, Reveals the $7 Drugstore Face Wash She Loves for Sensitive Skin” (Article) – it’s nice that a lot of these plugs are drugstore brands.

3. “Cher’s Favorite Beauty Products that you can still buy today” (Video)

4. What Cher Has To Say About Beauty (Article)

Okay, they’re not all drugstore brands but you can play with them or not as you can afford to.

Speaking of makeup tricks, Cher has also appeared in books by makeup artist Kevyn Aucoin including “Making Faces” and “Face Forward.”

You can get as exuberant or cynical about beauty products as you want. Even after spending billions of dollars on skin care and makeup, no product really moves the needle all that much.

And we are fed a bill-of-goods half the time. I recently had an alarming experience with lady razors. I was visiting my parents last month and didn’t have a good razor to use before a birthday massage. I went combing through my mother’s guest bathroom drawers and could find only an unopened Gillette Fusion men’s razor most likely left by my brother as he was their most recent overnight guest.

Now I don’t go scrummaging through Mr. Cher Scholar’s man-stuff so I have never had the opportunity to use a men’s razor but out of desperation I decided to use this one. It was heavy. It wasn’t pink. What if it peeled off my delicate lady skin? I was seriously petrified right before using it. Like I might bleed to death by using that extra blade. Wait a minute. Why do the mens get that extra blade? After doing one leg and experiencing the closest shave I’ve ever felt in my life, I got pissed for all woman kind. WTF. They’ve been selling us sub-par f**king razors!

And the truth of it is women shave their legs in America is because companies like Gillette wanted to expand the sales of razors and used women’s magazines to convince women we should have hairless all-the-things.

And then they go and sell us shitty pink razors!

Dear Cher, I’m 13 years old and this is my problem: I’ve liked this boy who lives near me for a long time. I told this to a few of my friends, and soon I realized that someone had told him about it too. One of my friends told me that he had said he liked me. When we had school pictures taken, all of us kids were trading our extra pictures with one another. I wanted to trade one with him, so that I could have a picture of him, and I mentioned this to a couple of my girl friends. I feel pretty sure that at least one of them told him. After that, he got very nasty to me, and one day in the library he told me that he hated me. Please help me. Brokenhearted, Gilbert, Minn.

Cher’s Response:

Dear Brokenhearted, Why, er, why {“why, er, why?”] did you have to tell the world about your feeling for this boy? If you are really honest about it, you knew that telling three friends was like broadcasting it. To have them tell him that you like him was O.K. But the thing about the pictures was—well, coming on too strong and it looked like you were chasing him. Naturally, he recoiled from this feeling of being captured. The fact is, a girl can flirt a little, but she has to draw the line somewhere, because the boy likes to capture her and not be captured. The only think you can do now is keep your mouth shut, maintain your cool and wait. Maybe if you are quiet and demure long enough, he will come back to you.

Cher Scholar’s Response:

Ugh. This is the most depressing response I’ve ever read. Whatever happened to entireties to honesty? No, not honesty right now. First, pretend you are Cinderella and flee the scene without a shoe. These crazy courtship rituals.

My bad advice would be to roll your eyes, Snow White, and go find dwarves without hang ups. Friendlier pastures. Friendship knows nothing about forwardness and faux pas. I have no patience for these subtleties of chasing vs. demurring. As a naturally quiet person (believe it or not), demurring is my natural state but so what? In defense of all the forward girls, everyone needs to grow up. The games of playing hard to get will seem stupid when you’re on your death bed. Asking for a picture should not seem like some kind of dreadful “chasing.”

But happily we have alternate advice. The Susan Dey book, Secrets On Boys, Beauty & Popularity, has arrived and I’ve started reading it. And wouldn’t you know, this very issue is addressed in the first chapter called very succinctly “Boys,”

Fasten your seat belts because we are going to hear from the teen-idol-of-teen-idols himself.

“Boys—especially teen-age boys—are runners up to the Sphinx when it comes to letting a girl know whether the romance is one-sided or whether he cares, too. I used to think this was just because boys were unexplainably nasty and mean about this but then I had a heart-to-heart talk with David Cassidy, and he let me in on a few things.

Mostly, a guy worries about letting a girl know he likes her too much. One slip of the tongue, a boy thinks, and pretty soon Doris and Ella and Sue and Ruth and Jean and Barbara and Claudian and Marie and Carol and Connie and Ann and Dorothy will know. What’s worse, a boy thinks, is that they’ll tell Sam, Dave, Fred, George, Roger, Russ, Ralph, Steve, Kenny, and Chuck next. Soon, continues this nightmare that a boy dreams up for himself, Mom, Dad, little brother, and Aunt Agnes will all be bugging him about his First True Love. All this is enough, in a boy’s mind, to convince him that he really doesn’t love this special girl at all!.

David says it’s a big step for a boy to admit, to himself or publicly, that he likes a girl because girls have been doll-carrying sissies [oh dear] for so long that as far as a boy is concerned, finding yourself in love with one is a major shock. The first thing a rough, tough….boy does, David says, is seriously question his sanity!”

Well, that does explain how a this boy can go from liking Brokenhearted girl to freaking out over a school picture and telling her he hates her. That is if we can believe David Cassidy is speaking for many of the other boys and not just the troubled David Cassidy.

But there’s yet another way to look at this. My high school friend went off to college and met a boy she liked a lot but she was in competition with another girl. Eventually this boy chose her and she asked him why he did so. He said it was because he was going to go out with the one who was the most aggressive in trying to date him. My friend was proud of her winnings but I thought her prize was a big dud who had no real dog in the fight and might possibly not even be able to feel love for either of them or maybe anybody.

Love asserts itself pretty pretty strongly. It shouldn’t be so hard an Olympic trial is required. If there wasn’t one thing more substantial to love about my friend besides her “trying hard” than that relationship would always be vulnerable to a future competitor willing to try even harder.

The point is neither of these extremes is good: pirate-afraid-of-capture guy or immovable-statue guy. What we all need is flexibility in a person.

Equally problematic are those who look for hard-and-fast roles from another person. I had another eternally single friend who once said she wanted to be the garden and not the gardener. She meant she wants to be taken care of without having to take care of. This is just not the description of a healthy relationship. Nobody has explained it better recently than Michelle Obama in her new book, The Light We Carry. This is an absolutely beautiful description of a healthy couple:

“….you’ll almost certainly come to see that there’s no such thing as a fifty-fifty balance. Instead, it’ll be like beads on an abacus, sliding back and forth—the math rarely tidy, the equation never quite solved. A relationship is dynamic this way, full of change, always evolving. At no point will both of you feel like things are perfectly fair and equal. Someone will always be adjusting. Someone will always be sacrificing. One person may be up while the other is down…in a strong partnership, both people will take their turns at compromise, building that shared sense of home together, there in the in-between. 

Regardless of how wildly and deeply in love you are, you will be required to ignore all sorts of your partner’s foibles. You will be be required to ignore all sorts of minor irritations and at least a few major ones, too, trying to assert love and constancy over all of it—over all the rough spots and inevitable disruptions. You will need to do this as often and as compassionately as you can. And you will need to be doing it with someone who is equally able and willing to create the same latitude and show the same forbearance toward you—to love you despite all the baggage you show up with, despite what you look like and how you behave when you are at your absolute worst.”

And I know we’re talking about kids here. But let’s just give them some insight into how things should be right from the start.

This is one of my favorite pictures of Cher and Robert Camilletti. It’s from her first commercial for Uninhibited perfume in the late 1980s. That is the goal of any relationship, to be uninhibited. You shouldn’t have to worry about being demure or aggressive or whatever it is you “supposed” to be. You should feel free to be who you are. And that is hard enough between two very different people. Why throw in additional crap about how the thing should or shouldn’t get going?

Dear Sonny, I have been told that I’m cute. [Again with the I’ve been told I’m cute thing.] I feel that I’m popular in school and well-loved at home. I don’t have a particular problem but I do have a request. Please tell me your idea of a perfect girl—her personality, clothes and her popularity standing. Needing Ideas, Arlington Heights, Ill.

Sonny’s Response:

Dear Needing Ideas, Surprise! There is no such thing as a perfect girl, so don’t try to become one. If you do, you’ll probably ruin everything that you now have. Your personality should be unique and your very won. Clothes don’t make the girl, as you know. [She doesn’t seem to know, Sonny.] It’s good to have friends, because they are true friends; it’s good to be liked, because you’re likable; but popularity just for the sake of being popular is of absolutely no value. Just be yourself and don’t worry about these extraneous things.

Cher Scholar’s Response:

Great response Sonny. What makes me think it will be lost on this Needing Ideas girl?

I have a member of the family in pursuit of a very hard line perfection and I have said the same thing to them. Perfection is like a pretty and smooth surface without anything for another person to hook on to. It’s ultimately alienating. Which is why we develop our deep affections for flaws. Think about someone you love. Think of their rough parts. Those are the hooks, the heart hooks. We’re not talking about homicidal flaws or battery-level flaws. We’re talking about the exhaustion of perfection and the endearments toward things that are less than perfect (and sometimes downright broken) in others and in ourselves. We each have those things that pull on our heart-strings and those things are never perfections.

Cher is a great example of this. I have never been attracted to the kind of men she is attracted to. We all have our things we like or don’t like. Cher is not drawn to classically beautiful men. She is truly a woman who has followed her heart in these matters.

Dear Sonny, My question can only be answered by a guy. Please tell me honestly how guys feel about freckles. I’m loaded with them and I hate them. A suntan doesn’t cover them up because they pop through—and makeup does no good. Freckles, Chicago, Ill.

Sonny’s Response:

Dear Freckles, Forget them. Period. By noticing them so much, you are literally turning mole hills into mountains [well, not literally…literally they’re freckles]. Because you are so uptight about your freckles, you think that everybody else does nothing but stare at them. Not so. They may notice them for the first ten or twenty seconds they see you, but human beings are so constructed that (unless they are just plain evil) their eyes and minds are more interested in the human being  and not in surface distractions. Freckles aren’t a fault. They’re a fact. Since you can’t do anything about them, leave them alone. Concentrate on your good points. I used to be excruciatingly self-conscious about my nose, and I learned to practice what I’m preaching to you now. Believe me, it helped. When I started concentrating on my good points, I started doing groovy things. By the way, there are some examples of freckle-laden ladies who decided to ignore their freckles—Doris Day, Julie Andrews, model Jean Shrimpton and Jane Asher. 

Cher Scholar’s Response:

Perfect answer, Sonny. I have nothing to add. Freckles are sexy.

 

Read more Dear Sonny & Cher from 16 Magazine

Dear Sonny & Cher from 16 Magazine, Part 7

This is a big two-pager! A quarter of which is taken up by a gigantic pic of Sonny & Cher. I hate this outfit Sonny is wearing, by the way. It’s the black and white, psychedelic, chessboard, optical illusion animation suit pattern. Bleh. I can’t directly look at it without my third-eye twitching. Sonny & Cher wore these matching chessboard suits on the back of their 1967 duet album, in Case You’re In Love, a spread that included some otherwise great photos of Sonny & Cher walking outside in Paris.

We have a lot to get through this week so let’s get started, four questions for Cher and three for Sonny.

 

If your young life is full of problems there’s no need for you to suffer alone. In fact, there’s no need for you to suffer at all. Cher—and Sonny—want to help you—right here in the pages of 16!

Dear Cher, I am almost 13 and there is a boy whom I have liked for over a year. He has never paid much attention to me. I have tried all the little tricks and secrets, but none seem to work! I do something “special” once in a while to get his attention. I am popular and have been told I am cute. Can you give me some new and helpful advice? No results, Beirut, Lebanon

[Beirut! Lebanon!! Cher goes international again!]

Cher’s Response:

Dear No Results, Maybe you are trying too hard. Maybe this special guy feels the pressure and is retreating from it—and you. I remember once when I was popular with all the kids but this one guy. I really went out of my way to try to get him—and he knew it. And I didn’t get him. So, I advice you to “cool it.” I think it would be smart to suddenly be indifferent toward him. Maybe that special trick will arouse his interest.

Cher Scholar’s Response:

Maybe he’s not into cute. I’m serious. Love is mysterious. If it made any sense, atoms would probably collapse or something. This is actually a good response. I so hope this story will end up in the upcoming Cher memoir but it’s not likely.

I don’t think even the trick of indifference will do any better than the other “special” maneuvers, sorry to say. It comes down to much we can’t control at the end of the day.  This reminds me of a poem I wrote a few years ago about Swann’s Way and love being a mysterious switch that comes on (or it doesn’t) from sometimes subconscious reasons or past life reasons. Hell if we know.

He might be gay. He may not be ready. He may not be into you. Biologists think it might even all come down to a smell.

Even the idea of “cute” is an existential crisis in the making. Who told you you were cute? Your mother? Another boy who likes you? Your girlfriends? The mirror? Aunt Maude? They all have agendas, No Results. You can’t even trust the mirror.

Forget all that. Just do you the best you can. Let the chips fall where they will. Magic will happen. Heartaches will happen. Very strange things will happen.

Cher keeps saying “what belongs to you, comes to you” and I do believe that although if we all sit around waiting for things to come to us, procreation will probably come to a standstill because everybody’s waiting and nobody’s (figuratively or literally) coming. Nothing much comes naturally. Is a bar atmosphere really all that natural? Is filling out an online dating form natural? Some of the mating dances out there in the wild don’t seem all that natural either. Have you see male blowfish art? Is he trying too hard? I really don’t know. The blowfish ladies seem to like it.

I like to think of it as a dance. Sometimes you move foreword, sometimes you move back, sometimes you don’t move at all.

In Sonny and Cher’s case, a forced separation did shock them into realizing what they meant to each other. And technically, that was Cher’s mother’s doing.

Dear Cher, I am 13 and there is this girl (I’ll call her Amy) who simply hates my steady, so she is spreading bad gossip about him and me and is shattering my reputation at school. Neither I nor my steady has ever done a thing to this girl. We have no solution. Can you help us? “Rep,” No City

Cher’s Response:

Dear “Rep,” First off, you ought to be aware of what is really going on by now. The girl digs your boy friend! That is why she is trying to hurt you and to break you two up. Naturally, there are some kids who are going to wonder if her gossip is true, but your real friends won’t give this girl a second listen. Just be polite to her—but in general, ignore her and her bad remarks. Most people are going to realize that it’s all just “sour grapes” on her part. As for your steady, I am sure he is man enough to ignore her, too. If he really loves you, this sort of thing will not deter him at all.

Cher Scholar’s Response:

Mean girls. Now we’re getting into some juicy stuff.

This is not a bad response either. I’m going to bring my mother into this here. First of all because she was showing me her high school yearbook last week and when we came to one girl’s photo, (let’s call her June because I don’t know any Junes except TV’s June Cleaver), she mentioned that the girl was “wild.” As I inquired further, I found out the word “wild” could mean anything from slutty to lawless. Which was quite a range. And I don’t want to quantify this girl’s character here but it’s all to say a “reputation” among girls, we can see, can last over 70 years! It’s no small thing.

My mother and I also discussed the terms “easy,” “fast” and the 80s insult of being called “slutty.” Words like this are what society uses, however you feel about it, to control the sexual (or even affectionate) behavior of women. You can call him a man-slut (f*%kboy is the most recent term I’ve head the kids use on reels) but this just comes across as funny for obvious reasons. (The funniest term on this list was homme fetal.) Just the idea of a promiscuous man seems culturally strange. Lothario is not quite the successful insult.

I’ve had plenty of drama with means girls myself (in my own house, sometimes) but not for Rep’s reasons. Remember I was so behind in matters of love,  I couldn’t be the target of salacious sex rumors (unfortunately). But I did plenty of other transgressive things to ruffle the mean-girl feathers. Due to copious amounts of pride, (probably cultivated from early pre-school mean girl experiences), I was steadfast in being who I was in a world-scape determined to make you conform to popular-girl norms. I followed the path(s) of what I genuinely liked. And suffered the consequences….and to this day still do.

The music I chose to listen to, the clothes I chose to wear, the ideas I had. the things I said.

I found safety in a group of boys and girls who were outsiders as well. And no, not those cool outsiders. The geeky outsiders because sometimes who you really are is not all that hip.

I also posed this problem to my parents while I’m here in Cleveland. We talked about the way teen girls and boys handle conflicts differently. My Dad commented how difficult these social problems are. I wondered wouldn’t it just lead to a fist fight between boys? No trash talk. Girls tend to go all devious and political on each other socially. In my experience millennials and younger girls tend to be better and my best female bosses have been younger than me. Also, I have some amazing girlfriends in my life (of all ages). But overall, statistically speaking, I find my relationships with women much more complicated and hazardous.

This year’s big meme is relevant here, the one where women were asked if they found themselves lost in a forest, would they rather encounter a man they didn’t know or a bear. Most women polled picked the bear and men took great offense at this, like men were bad and bears were good. But I can completely see the computations running in a woman’s head considering this question. She’s running the odds.

The odds are good a bear won’t attack unless the bear is hormonal or starving or fretting as a bear-parent. On the other hand, the chance of a sexual assault by a man is concerningly high out there in the wild. Anywhere from 1 in 5 to 1 in 6. The chance of a bear attack is 1 in 2 million. It’s just a game of odds.

And contemplating mean girls, I find it interesting no one has posed to women the idea of an encounter with a woman they don’t know versus a man they don’t know. Because this changes the equation a bit (for me at least). There’s a chance the woman might become my bestie. Totally! That would be great, surviving in the woods with a fun girl (I’ve already done this twice, once in roller skates). Outdoor slumber parties. I love it! But, if I’m being honest, there’s a greater chance a woman will throw me under the bus. A rapist is terrible, no doubt, but at least he might keep me alive for some nefarious purpose. The woman might probably get rid of me immediately in completion for resources or in competition for the questionable men-folk in the forest.

Actually, my biggest enemy in this situation is going to be myself because who the hell wants to deal with any of this dangerous human bullshit? I might just sacrifice myself to the bear.

Deep breath. Survival is hard. Social survival is harder.

Susan Sarandon got called to the carpet a few years ago for some subliminally mean-girl comments she made about Cher. She said Cher stole her part in The Witches of Eastwick and then claimed Cher said this during filming: Y’know, I really have a hard time being in a scene that’s not about me.” So we just took her lines and she got to go home.”

Immediately, Sarandon tried to qualify it by saying, ‘Y’know, nobody would say that but certainly everybody feels that way. Good for her to say it!” (Bitchiness disguised as compliment.)

Sarandon went on to say she got her beautiful wigs and gowns in the movie from Cher and that Cher was  ‘fantastic,’ ‘generous’ and ‘so funny.’ Cher responded with love for Sarandon and then Susan took to Twitter to clear the air, writing: ‘So much love & respect 4U. Devastated was taken as anything else. Also said how I wish I had balls 2 say same.’ Susan also tweeted: ‘And mentioned how generous you were in giving me ur wig & gown. Anyway, please accept my heartfelt apology.’ Read the blow-by-blow.

The press loves mean-girl drama. Cher famously shaded Madonna one time and made some mean-girl comments about Miley Cyrus (that twerking, tongue-gate performance) after which Cher  apologized and called out her own ego and big mouth. They have since had very positive exchanges, especially about Miley’s “Believe” cover.

It’s a work in progress, this mean-girl stuff. Cher has since worked on trying to be positive when discussing other women in interviews.

 

Dear Cher, I am FAT. That is a fact—and I can’t lose weight as I have no will power. My mom won’t let me wear mod fashions or hair-dos, because she says I don’t look good in them (she’s probably right). Please help me find out how to lose weight. Also, how can I whiten my teeth? Desperate, Thornton, Col.

Cher’s Response:

Dear Desperate, If you have really tried everything, I think there is hope for you in only one direction now. I think your mom should take you to see your family doctorYou should have a check-up and (if it is not harmful for you) you should be given some kind of medication that will help you to control your appetite. When you start to lose a few pounds, by all means get some mod gear—as that will inspire you to stay on your “diet” and give you pride in the fact that you are reducing. To whiten your teeth, brush them gently with common household baking soda once a week. Brush downwards only. Since most of us are born with our teeth a permanent color, it is hard to whiten teeth that are naturally sort of yellowish, but you can try. Best of luck.

Cher Scholar’s Response:

Teeth whiteners have come a long way. Diets have not. Many dramatic methods have come and gone, from a plethora of extreme diets to suction to stapling to medical appetite suppressants, most recently injections. The first step in any weight loss journey should be guided by a visit to a nutritionist, as they are the most science-based practitioners in the morass of opinions about weight issues. (See the responses in Part 5).

You can find teeth whiteners everywhere: toothpaste, mouthwash, strips, pens. You could argue, (not to go full-Sneetches here), that teeth are oppressively white these days. Sometimes I miss the natural look of 1970s television shows. Technicolor teeth.

Cher pretty much had pearly whites from the beginning of her professional career. Maybe this is because her mother was a model and actress and had some beauty tricks to pass along.

Dear Cher, My hair is at the length where I can’t do anything with it. It almost touches my shoulders, and it flops when it should flip. It also needs straightening (I have a deadly permanent and when the weather is damp my hear gets absolutely kinky!). Any help would be appreciated. Super-Curly, Vacaville, Calif.

Cher’s Response:

Dear Super-Curly, First of all, you must let your perm grow out before you can do a thing. Sorry about that—but it is a must. When your hair is grown out, if it is still too curly (and if it “reverts” in damp weather), then you will have to have it professionally straightened at a beauty shop. They have harmless, easy straightening methods—it’s like you will the opposite of a permanent. After your hair is straightened you will just have to experiment with a variety of hair styles and ways of setting your hair. Eventually, you are bound to hit upon one that is just right for you.

Cher Scholar’s Response:

We call them salons now. Who can promise beauty anymore? And what did we know back then from harmless? Girls did plenty of harmful things to their hair and definitely still do. We are always just as safe as we know how to be. Last week I talked about a cool girl I once went to concerts with in St. Louis. When she found out I was a Cher fan she told me she spent her teen years literally using a clothes iron on hair while it was spread out on an ironing board. She was trying to straighten her beautiful, natural curls to get “Cher hair.” Aieee! Insane because in the 80s we were all suffering through perms for curly big 80s hair.

The pointless things we do to impress the boys and the mean girls. And ourselves.

Cher has done some crazy stuff to her own hair. The movie studio tried to color it for Mask and it fell out. So she had to cut it all off into a crew cut that she then dyed blonde and then later skunkified.

Cher learned from television that the safest thing for hair versatility was investing in a wig room. Her long-time hairdresser, Renata Leuschner from the Sonny & Cher Comedy Hour, designed many, many wigs for all the Cher TV shows and concert tours.

Cher’s wigs even have names. Cher’s friend Paulette documented the Cher wig room and that fun fact turned into an original fan-fiction comic story in Cher Zine 1, “I Know My First Name is Joan: Perils of a Wig-naping” written and drawn by Julie Wiskirchen.

 

Now we turn to the questions put to Sonny:

Here’s Sonny to carry on with answers to the letters from those of you who chose to present him with your particular problem.

Dear Sonny, I have a very unusual problem. Instead of being too shy, my boy friend is too forward—and not with me, but with other girls! I mean he digs me, but he is always doing things to hurt me. He’s a real playboy [man-slut, homme fetal, gigolo]. He tries to act like is is 20 (he is 15) and flirts with girls who are three and four years older than he is. He hangs out with a couple of rough guys. I only see him in the summer and on long weekends (because he lives in another city). When we are together, he is very nice. But I’m worried about his “double-life.” Concerned, Chicago, Ill.

Sonny’s Response:

Dear Concerned,  You must bear in mind that young men are very [horny, idiotic, maladaptive] impressed by certain outside influences. When he sees these “rough” guys carry on, act tough and flirt—he probably thinks they are hot stuff and then seeks to imitate them. Believe it or not, boys do like to attract attention and this is just one way of doing it. However, since he is very nice and straight with you [Is he though?], he must feel sure that you look up to him and that he doesn’t have to put on an act for you. So, for the time being, let well enough alone. Let him go through these normal changes without giving him a hard time, and he will love you for that.

Cher Scholar’s Response:

I am going to give this response a big, fat F- Sonny. In fact, this is rich coming from Sonny, the one who perfected the art of cheating all while telling America (via Cher) to just calm down. This is like the love-bead necklace of icky-lines. It’s a chain of manipulations, the whopper being “this is just a phase I’m going through.” What exactly does “well enough alone” mean here except big red flags. If this guy, albeit only 15 years old, cannot refrain from getting distracted from a girl he supposedly “digs” but sees only in the summer and on long weekends, that says it all. I grew up with friends who pined for the girls they didn’t get to see nearly enough. The last thing they would have wanted to do would be to blow it with her the few days they actually had.

Blow up the life raft, girl. Strap on the parachute. Time to jump ship on this turkey. Unless you’re into open relationships and then good for you. You do you. But girls I know in open relationships never ever use words like “concerned” unless they are worried about getting knocked-up or developing STDs.

Unfortunately, this red flag for Cher was Sonny himself, the responder! And his ideas are illuminating considering that. Let’s not get further into their private life than we have to. Sonny admitted in his own book he wasn’t faithful to Cher. (There’s even a song he recorded in 1973 about it.) So I don’t think that’s a news flash now. Sonny made Cher very blue at times. When the last straw came, she consoled herself, allegedly, in the arms of a guitar player and then future-Toto keyboardist David Paich (who’s father, Marty, was Sonny & Cher’s band leader; David was also the songwriter / subject of “David’s Song“) and then David Geffen who guided Cher through an aggressive de-coupling from Sonny. As far as we know, none of those men flirted with other women (or men) when they were with Cher. Which is how it should be for Cher and Concerned herself.

Dear Sonny, I am 14 and for the first time in my life I hate school. I don’t like any of my studies, and I always had an interest in some of them before. I can’t finish my homework. I am perfectly satisfied to lie on my bed and listen to music or watch TV. I also day-dream a lot. Please tell me what is wrong with me. Sometimes I just wish I could die. I feel that I am all alone in this.  Dawn, Newton, Mass.

Sonny’s Response:

Dear Dawn, Don’t worry—you’re not alone! Probably everybody goes through this stage. I did, and Cher tells me she did. It’s perfectly natural. You are at the stage where you want something very different from the life you have, where you have grown weary of your day-to-day existence. It’s is O.K. to give into your “laziness” to a degree—it will take the pressure off you in other areas. But you must not let this world take you over. There are a number of ways to prevent this. First, take a good look at yourself and analyze your qualities. Everybody is good at something and wants something. Decide where your talent is (writing, painting, singing, or maybe something like cooking or sewing). Anyway, set yourself a goal and go after it. You must fight for it. It is hard, but you certainly don’t want to waste your teen years and wake up one day with no education and no skills. Remember: activity breeds activity—so hang in there!

Cher Scholar’s Response:

So first of all, the suicide crisis line. You can get help if you want and need it. Depression happens to a many of us and it comes in many forms. I grew up in a family with a person with depression and Mr. Cher Scholar has been very public with his experiences with same. In many cases, the cause is chemical and manageable with medication. Like any other part of your body,  some things don’t function 100%. Medicine and our understanding of brain activity has come a long way. Others (like me) have more situational experiences with sad. What’s going on in your life?

When you’re a teenager, you have no idea which case is which. There are a ton of situationally depressing things happening to you. You’re not growing up to look like Don Johnson or Cindy Crawford (80s sex symbols for those youngins). You are not turning into a genius like Albert Einstein and you are not going to be the top of your field like a Magic Johnson or a Meryl Streep. That is depressing! Also, the social environment has become suddenly very politically confusing and treacherous.  (See mean-girls above.) And you have no skills to navigate these things. And not only that but you are really not all that great at introspection yet.

Plus, if you are at all intuitive, things extra-suck. You kinda know but also never really know. I remember when I was a Junior seeing ahead into my future love life. This was not a psychic vision. This was just intuitive prediction. I was slow socially and very confused but I knew who I was. I could see the troubles play out. And I felt sure I was not strong enough to live through it.

But I misjudged myself in three ways: 1) I turned out to be a lot stronger than I imagined (without even trying), 2) I never knew how funny those upcoming sad things could also sometimes be and humor is a great mitigating factor on hard times, and 3) I never imagined the good stuff that would be happening simultaneously with the bad stuff. Another great mitigating factor.

I also agree with Sonny here that activity will proliferate into plenty of things to do to keep your mind off of self-obsession. I would say I struggled with sadness until I became involved with an animal charity in college and became familiar with more acute suffering than what I had ever been through. For some people, this works: perspective. For others, this does not work, it just piles on the sad to their existing sad.

Some people also call this gratitude but that word sounds too nebulous to me to be very helpful. I think we can be more specific. There is an ironic side of humor to be found in the darkest places (some call this dark humor but its also yin and yang at work and paradox). It also helps to keep tally of the good stuff. I had a therapist who asked me to make a list of the daily good as well as the daily bad because she said the human brain will focus on the bad as a matter of instinctual survival. The list was practice at keeping the good things in play.

There’s also such a thing as intellectual malaise and I can’t tell if Dawn is maybe feeling this. Being unchallenged in school just when your brain is starting to get thinking about interesting things. Sonny’s advice to explore interests is good here. I would add to this: go out into the intellectual world of book readings, museum visiting and wandering around the library. Start following your own trails.

I get sad myself if there’s nothing ahead to “look forward to” like a project or a trip or a new restaurant to try. And then bouts of “the pointlessness of it all” can attack anyone already in a state of sad.

Cher has admitted to suffering from depression, which she says runs in her family. She talked about it a bit after making the Not Commercial album. It was seen most publicly in the 1990s after the Infomercials and all her success in the movies. I contend success itself can be as depressing as failure. You can struggle with a sudden “what’s left for me to do” syndrome.

Cher was also struggling with a debilitating chronic fatigue at the time. All the things.

She went on to the biggest comeback of her career, “Believe,” a record-breaking concert tour, Kennedy Center Honors and practically Sainthood now. Good stuff was awaiting. And bad stuff too. She still struggles with parenting dramas, the death of husbands and friends, the loss of her mother, financial challenges and lawsuits and probably a thousand headaches we don’t even see.

Nobody promised us a rose garden. This is actually classic Sonny “good” advice (because he was brilliant at turning lemons into lemonade): you must not let this world take you over.

Here is a spread of Cher-sadnesses. Sometimes there are happy tears, like Cher crying with pride when her son Chas danced on Dancing with the Stars or Cher crying from being moved at her Kennedy Center Honors.

Then there is acting crying in movies like Come Back to the Five and Dime, Jimmy Dean, Silkwood, Mask, Suspect, Moonstruck, Mermaids…and the photo that made the cover of most newspapers the day after Sonny’s funeral. Cher-critics loved accusing Cher of fake-sadness at Sonny’s death, but I contend that her acting-cry is always pretty crying and you can definitely tell the difference.

 

Dear Sonny,  I have been going with a boy for a month and he says that he loves me. I feel that I have to break up with him because I don’t want to go steady. I am too young to go steady (14), and there is a lot of fun I want to have before being tied down. How can I tell him this without hurting him! Scared, New York City

Sonny’s Response:

Dear Scared, There is no way to tell him this news that will not hurt him. the sooner you tell him, the better—for the hurt will be a little less. The longer you stay together, the deeper the hurt will be for him. You have phrased it very well in your letter—so just tell him that little piece of truth. Be kind (not cruel) when you tell him.

Cher Scholar’s Response:

Is this the flip side of Concerned above with the playboy boyfriend? I’m sure he was in the same boat. Still so much fun out there to be had.

That aside, I actually have some experience in this no-ready-for-steady thing because I wasn’t ready before the boys were. So although I  was interested in them (eventually), the boys were still already more mature than I was. And I wasn’t able to deal with that kind of attention yet.  I wanted to be able to deal with it. Everyone else was living Peyton Place soap operas and I felt very left out.

There were two situations I can think of where I got myself into a situation that I felt overwhelmed with and had to break it off. Both happened in high school. One boy’s name was Doug and he was my first kiss (after a football night game by the purple bank of lockers) and I thought he was perfect but quickly found myself out of my depth. I said I wanted to stay friends and he did not take it well, never speaking to me again, except a curt “hi” at our 20th reunion.

All the girls flocked to Mark, another early dating attempt, the year he came to our school as the new kid. He was very handsome and wore the latest 80s parachute pants. This was very thrilling to the girls. I don’t know how many girls he went through, if any, before asking me out (I was clueless, really). But he got really intense really fast. He had some much more experience in all the things. In this case, Mark did not stop talking to me but he kept his distance and we were never part of the same social circles so I never saw him very often after that.

The tragedy of these breakups was that I liked these two boys. And if we had stayed close friends and they had waited, I would have caught up to myself and we could have continued. But so few teenagers are willing to do that. It’s too painful. And you can’t really ask anybody to do that. They either can and do or they don’t.

But I have always regretted my inability to communicate the complexity of my feelings for them (and myself) at that time. Avoidance was all I knew how to do. After all, I didn’t agree to go on a date with them because I didn’t find them handsome and amazing. I didn’t get suddenly disappointed. I was terrified and I had no language to navigate through what we were feeling.

So a lot of pain and drama resulted from misunderstandings and immaturity. It happens every day a million times in high schools all over the world.

Interestingly, Cher usually stays friends with her exes, which has been one of the best things I’ve ever learned from Cher. If you love somebody (if you really do), you can’t just break up with them and stop feeling love. And if you can, did you really love them in the first place? They’re the same person after all. You can distance yourself from toxic people, definitely. And you ex doesn’t (and maybe shouldn’t) turn into your bestie. But usually all the hurt lies in pretending you don’t love someone you really do.

Just keep your feelings straight and keep an open dialogue and that has never served me wrong ever and I wish I had done that with Doug and Mark.

Cher with some of her exes:

 

Read more Dear Sonny & Cher from 16 Magazine

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